A Bit of a Bummer

I have a revelation that is quite disappointing to my optimistic self...the good guy does NOT always win. I guess I really knew this all along, but deep down in my heart lives a childlike naivety that wants to believe things happen the right way in this world.

I'm having a had time right now struggling with facing this reality while not giving up the positive way I try to live my life. I am very blessed to have an amazing support system that listens to me vent and cry. (They get the less positive part of me quite often, but love me anyway.)

I think the best way to deal with all of this is to let it be a reminder to me to raise my children in a loving way...to teach them kindness over greed, and compassion over self indulgence. I want my children to learn that life doesn't always go the way you want it to, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel to somebody else.

Recently my middle school principal passed away. While we all giggled about the daily announcement he made every morning, all these years later his words still ring true. Every day he would tell us, "Character is who you are when no one is watching." I like who I am alone or surrounded by others. I am raising children who can feel the same.

The good guy may hove lost this battle...but in my life when I reflect back, I will be the winner because I will have loving people in my life, I will have children I can be proud of, and I won't need to question what motives drove me through my life.

Big Bad Bullies

I just took a poll on CNN.com asking if I'd ever been bullied. The options were "A little", "A lot" or "Never." Do you believe that only 20% of the 120,000 people who participated said they have never been bullied? My answer was "A little." What would yours be?

I think a more important question is what can we do as parents, teachers and a community to prevent our children from feeling the effects of being bullied and more so, prevent them from bullying anyone else. Growing up is so hard and often difficult to understand without having to worry about other people teasing or criticizing you for just being yourself. On top of the regular turbulence most kids feel, you never know who may be dealing with depression or struggling with issues like sexual identity or a bad home life. It is a recipe for disaster.

As a mom, my plan is to always speak very openly to my children about the wide variety of people it takes to make the world go round. I want them to learn acceptance and to not be afraid to stand up for other kids. I know Elliot will have no problem with this. My older daughter, Presley, is a lot more easily influenced and I worry a lot about her.

I also plan on sharing with them about my own battle with depression once they are old enough to understand. I will share with them about being teased because my pants were too short in German class in eighth grade. I will share with them about the girl who tormented me because of my name in high school. I will share how miserable it all made me feel, and while as an adult I still remember that hurt, I am only a stronger, more compassionate person because of it.

I believe that really the best thing we can do to with our kids is to talk, talk and talk some more. I also believe that cell phones and Facebook accounts are not meant to be kept private from parents. I realize this will be an unpopular opinion once my kids are old enough to have all of this, but I will read texts and I will have passwords. This might make me "the worst mom ever," but I'll take that risk for the sake of having healthy, safe and kind children.

Looking in the Mirror

Holy guacamole!!!! It has been seriously FOREVER since I posted here. Yikes. I'd like to thank anybody who is actually reading this after such a long hiatus.

The writing bug bit me last night (or maybe it was a stink bug...I can't be sure) and so here I am after 2 1/2 months of silence. I was challenged recently to look in the mirror and re-evaluate who I am deep down; who I really am at the core. I came to a few conclusions and thought I would share them with you.

I definitely have my share of faults. I interrupt people too much...I am lazy when it comes to doing laundry...I am on Facebook too much (which may be tied into the laundry problem)...I don't always have enough patience with my kids...I procrastinate...I'm afraid of new things or change of any kind...I cry too much.

I know there are more, I know I am far from perfect. That being said, though, I like the person that I am. I am secure in the kind of person I am. I believe I am a good role model for my children, a good support for my husband, a good listener for my friends, a loving daughter to my parents, a great friend for my brothers and sisters.

The other thing I discovered, though, is that I don't need to defend who I am or my character to anybody else. I am good with who I am. The only other I need to be accountable to is God, and He already knows who I am and what is in my heart.

It is so easy to let ourselves become wrapped up in people's perceptions or expectations. It is so easy to worry about judgments that are passed. I guess what we need to remember is that as hard as it is to not care what others think, in the end they have to look into their own mirror...they have to be okay with themselves, what they think of you doesn't really matter as much as what they think of the reflection staring back.

Cherishing the Good

Sometimes I take a moment to reflect on where things are in my life and what I can do to fix the negative and how I can get more positives. A really crappy thing occurred to me today though, for a lot of the negatives going on right now, i am completely powerless. 100% out of my control. I hate that more than I can tell you.

I hate that I can't make my mom all better, or even a little bit better. I hate that my husband's work schedule keeps him out of the house so much this summer. I was looking at pictures of my sister-in-law, Deanna, today, and hate that she is gone and that I know so many people miss her so deeply.

Is that what it means when people talk about life spiraling out of control? I wish I could freeze the good moments. I wish I could keep my kids young and sweet and safe. I wish I could forever hold onto the feeling when my husband holds me in his arms or when my kids gently kiss my cheek.

I can't control what is happening now or whatever it is life has in store for me next. I guess hate best I can do is savor those precious moments. I may not be able to freeze them, but I can cherish them and never forget the blessings in my life.

Looking for Rainbows

Through December I just kept thinking that between the constant, unnamed grey cloud and Deanna being so sick, things were going to have to get better soon. Then the new year came, and with it we said good bye to Deanna and watched as Noah grieved, and continues to grieve. But still, that was awful, so things HAD to get better, right?

Well, the answer is no. The age old saying, "things can't get any worse" is plain old wrong.

About a month ago we learned that my mother has cancer. Bladder cancer to be exact. We still aren't certain of the stage and won't be until the surgery is complete and the pathology report is in. Regardless of the stage, this whole situation is terrifying. Tomorrow she undergoes surgery. And while I am very confident that her surgeon is one of the best in his field, I am scared none the less.

I ask that you all keep her in your prayers tomorrow as she goes into surgery and as she continues though her healing process.

I am so grateful the God blessed me with the family I have. We all continue to support Noah as he heals, we lean on each other in our fears and stresses, and we are all 100% behind our mother as she begins this scary chapter of her life. I know, though, that it will be a short chapter that will leave her a stronger woman in the end!

Garden Variety Therapy

I apologize for going AWOL again. I feel like I do that way too often on this blog. I haven't been absent all together from blogging...I've just been distracted from this blog and am making a vow to be better about it from here on out!

The reality is I have been a little obsessed about running, not being able to run, and my new website all about balancing motherhood and running. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, please take a minute and visit http://www.irunlikeamother.com/ It has been a lot of fun to get this started with my friend Heather!

Today isn't about running, though. I am attempting a new hobby and spent a huge chunk of time on it today. This summer, I am going to try out some gardening. The girls and I are going to plant and care for a vegetable garden. Before you ask, no, I do not play Farmville and that was not the inspiration behind this! I just think it would be a lot of fun to do this with my girls. I'm not dumb, though, I realize it will be mostly mommy with a little bit of the girls sprinkled in from time to time!

After a lot of thought about where we could put a garden in our yard that wouldn't be attacked by the deer, our neighbor agreed to let us use an overgrown garden in is yard set up by the previous owner. WOW! Talk about a mess! The weeds and grass and (YUCK!!!) massive amount of bugs and spiders kept me pretty busy and jumpy! But, alas, I got it all cleared so we can start the planning process!

I'm really looking forward to try my hand at gardening and seeing how it goes. I think it will be a good lesson for me. As a person who loves instant gratification from the things I do, gardening is going to force me to learn patience, which I need more of as a mom. It will teach me to pay close attention to all the details, where I sometimes have a habit of rushing through. There are so many areas in my life that I would like to improve on, and I'm counting on this garden being my therapy!

I am really hoping this garden will bring me more than some tomatoes and cucumber, I'm really hoping I will grow and learn as I watch these plants take root and grow.

Suck It Up, Sara-Summer

This phase, right now, this is what I was looking forward to the least. I can't stand the length my hair is right now. Don't like it even a little bit. My mom and a few other people have told me they like it like this, and I believe that maybe they really do. But I really don't. At all.

I don't feel attractive or feminine right now. Even with my "nice butt" jeans and a sexy top, I'm just not feeling it. I wish I were the type of person who didn't care at all, but unfortunately I do care. I don't care enough, though, that I regret shaving my head.

Every time I start getting really down about it, I remind myself why I did it. I had a choice. I picked how and when I was going to go bald. For 32 years I have been blessed with good health. What on Earth do I have to complain about? A fuzz head? So what? For the 46 children and the United States who are diagnosed EVERY DAY, they don't have a choice. How dare I complain about my hair when they are getting ready to start the hardest battle of their lives.

So when people look at me funny, or when I look at myself funny, I need to keep those kiddos in the front of my mind and in my heart.