my happily ever after

A Bit of a Bummer

2010-10-26T09:19:00.003-04:00

I have a revelation that is quite disappointing to my optimistic self...the good guy does NOT always win. I guess I really knew this all along, but deep down in my heart lives a childlike naivety that wants to believe things happen the right way in this world.

I'm having a had time right now struggling with facing this reality while not giving up the positive way I try to live my life. I am very blessed to have an amazing support system that listens to me vent and cry. (They get the less positive part of me quite often, but love me anyway.)

I think the best way to deal with all of this is to let it be a reminder to me to raise my children in a loving way...to teach them kindness over greed, and compassion over self indulgence. I want my children to learn that life doesn't always go the way you want it to, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel to somebody else.

Recently my middle school principal passed away. While we all giggled about the daily announcement he made every morning, all these years later his words still ring true. Every day he would tell us, "Character is who you are when no one is watching." I like who I am alone or surrounded by others. I am raising children who can feel the same.

The good guy may hove lost this battle...but in my life when I reflect back, I will be the winner because I will have loving people in my life, I will have children I can be proud of, and I won't need to question what motives drove me through my life.

Big Bad Bullies

2010-10-05T13:38:00.002-04:00

I just took a poll on CNN.com asking if I'd ever been bullied. The options were "A little", "A lot" or "Never." Do you believe that only 20% of the 120,000 people who participated said they have never been bullied? My answer was "A little." What would yours be?

I think a more important question is what can we do as parents, teachers and a community to prevent our children from feeling the effects of being bullied and more so, prevent them from bullying anyone else. Growing up is so hard and often difficult to understand without having to worry about other people teasing or criticizing you for just being yourself. On top of the regular turbulence most kids feel, you never know who may be dealing with depression or struggling with issues like sexual identity or a bad home life. It is a recipe for disaster.

As a mom, my plan is to always speak very openly to my children about the wide variety of people it takes to make the world go round. I want them to learn acceptance and to not be afraid to stand up for other kids. I know Elliot will have no problem with this. My older daughter, Presley, is a lot more easily influenced and I worry a lot about her.

I also plan on sharing with them about my own battle with depression once they are old enough to understand. I will share with them about being teased because my pants were too short in German class in eighth grade. I will share with them about the girl who tormented me because of my name in high school. I will share how miserable it all made me feel, and while as an adult I still remember that hurt, I am only a stronger, more compassionate person because of it.

I believe that really the best thing we can do to with our kids is to talk, talk and talk some more. I also believe that cell phones and Facebook accounts are not meant to be kept private from parents. I realize this will be an unpopular opinion once my kids are old enough to have all of this, but I will read texts and I will have passwords. This might make me "the worst mom ever," but I'll take that risk for the sake of having healthy, safe and kind children.

Looking in the Mirror

2010-09-23T09:46:00.004-04:00

Holy guacamole!!!! It has been seriously FOREVER since I posted here. Yikes. I'd like to thank anybody who is actually reading this after such a long hiatus.

The writing bug bit me last night (or maybe it was a stink bug...I can't be sure) and so here I am after 2 1/2 months of silence. I was challenged recently to look in the mirror and re-evaluate who I am deep down; who I really am at the core. I came to a few conclusions and thought I would share them with you.

I definitely have my share of faults. I interrupt people too much...I am lazy when it comes to doing laundry...I am on Facebook too much (which may be tied into the laundry problem)...I don't always have enough patience with my kids...I procrastinate...I'm afraid of new things or change of any kind...I cry too much.

I know there are more, I know I am far from perfect. That being said, though, I like the person that I am. I am secure in the kind of person I am. I believe I am a good role model for my children, a good support for my husband, a good listener for my friends, a loving daughter to my parents, a great friend for my brothers and sisters.

The other thing I discovered, though, is that I don't need to defend who I am or my character to anybody else. I am good with who I am. The only other I need to be accountable to is God, and He already knows who I am and what is in my heart.

It is so easy to let ourselves become wrapped up in people's perceptions or expectations. It is so easy to worry about judgments that are passed. I guess what we need to remember is that as hard as it is to not care what others think, in the end they have to look into their own mirror...they have to be okay with themselves, what they think of you doesn't really matter as much as what they think of the reflection staring back.

Cherishing the Good

2010-07-16T13:40:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I take a moment to reflect on where things are in my life and what I can do to fix the negative and how I can get more positives. A really crappy thing occurred to me today though, for a lot of the negatives going on right now, i am completely powerless. 100% out of my control. I hate that more than I can tell you.

I hate that I can't make my mom all better, or even a little bit better. I hate that my husband's work schedule keeps him out of the house so much this summer. I was looking at pictures of my sister-in-law, Deanna, today, and hate that she is gone and that I know so many people miss her so deeply.

Is that what it means when people talk about life spiraling out of control? I wish I could freeze the good moments. I wish I could keep my kids young and sweet and safe. I wish I could forever hold onto the feeling when my husband holds me in his arms or when my kids gently kiss my cheek.

I can't control what is happening now or whatever it is life has in store for me next. I guess hate best I can do is savor those precious moments. I may not be able to freeze them, but I can cherish them and never forget the blessings in my life.

Looking for Rainbows

2010-07-01T15:36:00.004-04:00

Through December I just kept thinking that between the constant, unnamed grey cloud and Deanna being so sick, things were going to have to get better soon. Then the new year came, and with it we said good bye to Deanna and watched as Noah grieved, and continues to grieve. But still, that was awful, so things HAD to get better, right?

Well, the answer is no. The age old saying, "things can't get any worse" is plain old wrong.

About a month ago we learned that my mother has cancer. Bladder cancer to be exact. We still aren't certain of the stage and won't be until the surgery is complete and the pathology report is in. Regardless of the stage, this whole situation is terrifying. Tomorrow she undergoes surgery. And while I am very confident that her surgeon is one of the best in his field, I am scared none the less.

I ask that you all keep her in your prayers tomorrow as she goes into surgery and as she continues though her healing process.

I am so grateful the God blessed me with the family I have. We all continue to support Noah as he heals, we lean on each other in our fears and stresses, and we are all 100% behind our mother as she begins this scary chapter of her life. I know, though, that it will be a short chapter that will leave her a stronger woman in the end!

Garden Variety Therapy

2010-05-08T19:05:00.011-04:00

I apologize for going AWOL again. I feel like I do that way too often on this blog. I haven't been absent all together from blogging...I've just been distracted from this blog and am making a vow to be better about it from here on out!

The reality is I have been a little obsessed about running, not being able to run, and my new website all about balancing motherhood and running. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, please take a minute and visit http://www.irunlikeamother.com/ It has been a lot of fun to get this started with my friend Heather!

Today isn't about running, though. I am attempting a new hobby and spent a huge chunk of time on it today. This summer, I am going to try out some gardening. The girls and I are going to plant and care for a vegetable garden. Before you ask, no, I do not play Farmville and that was not the inspiration behind this! I just think it would be a lot of fun to do this with my girls. I'm not dumb, though, I realize it will be mostly mommy with a little bit of the girls sprinkled in from time to time!

After a lot of thought about where we could put a garden in our yard that wouldn't be attacked by the deer, our neighbor agreed to let us use an overgrown garden in is yard set up by the previous owner. WOW! Talk about a mess! The weeds and grass and (YUCK!!!) massive amount of bugs and spiders kept me pretty busy and jumpy! But, alas, I got it all cleared so we can start the planning process!

I'm really looking forward to try my hand at gardening and seeing how it goes. I think it will be a good lesson for me. As a person who loves instant gratification from the things I do, gardening is going to force me to learn patience, which I need more of as a mom. It will teach me to pay close attention to all the details, where I sometimes have a habit of rushing through. There are so many areas in my life that I would like to improve on, and I'm counting on this garden being my therapy!

I am really hoping this garden will bring me more than some tomatoes and cucumber, I'm really hoping I will grow and learn as I watch these plants take root and grow.

Suck It Up, Sara-Summer

2010-04-17T10:25:00.003-04:00

This phase, right now, this is what I was looking forward to the least. I can't stand the length my hair is right now. Don't like it even a little bit. My mom and a few other people have told me they like it like this, and I believe that maybe they really do. But I really don't. At all.

I don't feel attractive or feminine right now. Even with my "nice butt" jeans and a sexy top, I'm just not feeling it. I wish I were the type of person who didn't care at all, but unfortunately I do care. I don't care enough, though, that I regret shaving my head.

Every time I start getting really down about it, I remind myself why I did it. I had a choice. I picked how and when I was going to go bald. For 32 years I have been blessed with good health. What on Earth do I have to complain about? A fuzz head? So what? For the 46 children and the United States who are diagnosed EVERY DAY, they don't have a choice. How dare I complain about my hair when they are getting ready to start the hardest battle of their lives.

So when people look at me funny, or when I look at myself funny, I need to keep those kiddos in the front of my mind and in my heart.

Spring Has Sprung

2010-04-11T16:14:00.005-04:00

It is so incredible to me that EVERY year, without fail, I am in awe of the beauty of spring. I watch the trees waiting to see a hint of green, then a blink and - BAM!!! - spring has sprung. Even after the most heinous of winters, the most miserable of months, like clockwork the trees deliver the promise of warmth and rebirth. Tree lined streets greet you with green and front yards look and smell heavenly with white and pink blossoms.

I'm not a fan of the jump from winter right into summer we had the last couple of weeks here in Pittsburgh, followed by a brief visit back to winter. I like to savor the changing of the seasons. I enjoy some time to reflect on what this transition means and what it is symbolic of in my own life. Anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I am one who likes to reflect and find a deeper meaning in the every day and the seemingly ordinary. Perhaps the most simple thing that always manages to make me grateful for my blessings is trees.

Trees? Yes, trees. Oak trees, Ash trees, Birch trees, Dogwood trees. You see, trees are very deceiving. They lose their leaves and are left bare, looking weak and beat by the long, bitter winters. And yet, come April, they show us time and time again while they may lie dormant, they are not done yet. They have more to give, more to share, more life to live. How many of us have found ourselves beat down by life? The bills we can't afford to pay; the nasty people who try to break our spirits; our own internal negativity trying to get the best of us?

It is these times when we feel like a mighty oak stripped bare and left naked in the February cold that we need to remember how strong the human spirit is. It is in the times when you most feel like giving up that you need to be your own spring. Find one thing to rejoice in...one thing to believe in...one ray of sunshine through the clouds. Then just wait and watch for the green to appear. Before you know it - BAM!!! - you have grown as a person and are stronger for it. Because you see, YOU have more to give, YOU have more to share, and YOU have much more life, a life of promises and joy, to live.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would no be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet

What Do You Run For?

2010-04-09T13:29:00.002-04:00

After a very long hiatus I've gotten back to running. It is hard to understand why I stayed away as long as I did now that I'm back to pounding the pavement. It feels as natural as breathing and eating and writing. I can't believe I had forgotten how much a part of me running is.

As a mom, though, running is a lot more complicated than it used to be. Finding an hour to get away involves juggling several people's schedules and a lot of pleading for my husband to be home in time for me to make my escape. Then, after all the work to get out the door, I have to deal with the guilt of taking this time for myself. It is so annoying. Why should I feel guilty about one hour a few days a week to improve myself? And even though the answer is I shouldn't, I do. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he has to take all the kids to the soccer game because I'm running. I feel guilty that I missed the dinner I cooked and served before sneaking out the door. I feel guilty as I literally pry my two year old off of my leg. I feel guilty.

I don't think this problem is unique to me. I know a lot of moms who already feel like they are failing their children in some way. The ones who work feel guilty being away from their children while trying to provide. The ones who stay home wonder if they should be doing more to provide for their kids. It is a never ending internal battle on how to be the best for our kids. What I've started to realize though, to be the best for our kids, we sometimes need to recognize what is best for us.

I don't mean visiting the spa every day and ignoring your kids or anything like that. I simply mean by finding your own happiness and taking a little bit of time to work on you, you can become the mom your kids really need. I find myself less stressed out with the kids now that I'm running. I have more energy to play with them. I feel better about myself. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that my children will see me taking care of myself and hopefully learn to do the same.

So while it doesn't change the fact that the laundry is waiting or the toilet needs scrubbed, I run. I run for me. I run for my kids. I run for my marriage. Perhaps most importantly, I run for my sanity!

So This is 32?

2010-04-05T15:39:00.003-04:00

April 5th is the one day a year I don't feel guilty sleeping in or letting somebody else unload the dishwasher. Today is my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who believes in broadcasting this for the sake of others wishing me well or anything of the sort. I'm just feeling reflective as I look back over my life and where my 32 years have brought me.

Last night on the way home from Easter dinner with my family, I was listening to oldies on the radio. Ever since I was in my teens, I've loved listening to the "Oldies Diner" Sunday nights on 3WS. I used to sit on the window ledge of my bedroom and listen to the music and think and write and dream. Last night a lot of that came rushing back to me. I can't help but marvel at how much my life has changed and how dreams I never knew I had have come true. My days of dreaming of Mike Joseph falling in love with me are gone, and are replaced with the hopes of my children finding happiness in their own lives.

In truth, I spent a lot of time in my teens battling depression. I know for a lot of people this may be an uncomfortable topic, but for me it is a reality I am neither ashamed of nor done facing. When I was 16 or 17, though, I didn't see depression the way I see it now. For a while I didn't realize that what I was feeling was depression. I actually believed that because I couldn't picture what my life would be like when I was older, that it was a future that wasn't meant to be. How silly I was!!! I didn't know I was silly then, though. I was sad, and scared and desperate. I hope that my own experience with this will help me be a better mom and aunt for the children in my life. I hope to be more aware and sensitive to how they may be feeling.

I know now that at 16 or 17 I couldn't picture my life at 32, because my life is more than I could have ever dreamed of!!! Where I am in my life now is beyond anything I could have imagined in that third floor bedroom. I am so grateful for the grace of God bringing me to where I am in my life today!

Be The Change You Want To See

2010-03-30T13:03:00.004-04:00

If my thoughts could find a direct line from my brain to cyberspace, there would probably be about a thousand posts from the last one till now. My mind has been brimming with thoughts, arguments, convictions and inspiration. Unfortunately, the writing bug hadn't bitten, and so in my mind those thoughts remained. Now I hardly know where to begin to share the last month and a half.

It is crazy, but I feel like in a lot of ways I've changed since February. I really embraced my "New You" resolution, I've really embraced what it means to be in charge of my own life and my own happiness. I can't take all the credit, though. A lot of people and events have played into the me I am right now in this moment.

The most obvious change is physical...my hair is gone...I look like an adolescent little boy. Mine isn't a story of Samson, however. I feel like the loss of my hair has empowered me rather than stripped me down. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people staring makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not questioning myself. I am 100% behind why I did it, and feeling so good about that makes me care less about my appearance. I've said, I am more self aware right now, but definitely less self conscience.

The entire experience with St. Baldricks was beyond words. Other than the miracle of childbirth, I can't think of a single experience that has touched me and changed me so much. At the risk of sounding cliche, the energy in the room (or rather, in the tent) that day was incredible. Sitting in the chair looking out at the crowd of my husband and children, parents and brothers, best friends, good friends, cyberfriends, new friends and total strangers was a million times more emotional than I ever began to imagine. I held my picture of Dylan, the amazing little guy who inspired me throughout the entire shave, and knew that my nervousness didn't begin to compare to the complete fear him and his family have faced with his cancer.

As my hair fell, so did some tears. Not for the change, though, but rather for the enlightenment I was blessed with through my fundraising and experience meeting so many wonderful people. One shavee, Drew, gave me $550 of his donations to see me reach my goal. Another shavee shared with me the story of his little brother who died of cancer, and his promise to shave his head every year till they find a cure. This was Carl's 9th year going under the clippers. Eileen, the barber who shaved me, who does it every year because she genuinely cares about the cause and the other people it matters to.

It has been strange for my children, especially my 7-year-old. She is a little embarrassed of her mama for now, but when she is old enough to understand what I did and why I did it, I know it will be a valuable lesson for her.

There is a lot more I'd like to share, but if I did it all in one blog it would be never ending, so I will leave you with my quote of the day!

“It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.” -Francis Bacon Sr.

A Little Healthy Competition

2010-02-13T21:57:00.004-05:00

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Olympics. I really do. Winter or summer, Torino or Vancouver...I LOVE the Olympics. Watching the opening ceremonies last night I marveled at the wonder in the athletes' eyes as they walked into the stadium. I envied the hope of gold in all of their hearts as the waved their flags in front of a crowd of 60,000. How neat, men and women from so many countries, political tensions put aside for the sake of healthy competition.

Then we have the competitions in our lives that are less than healthy. The competitions that pin us against the people we should align ourselves with. Our neighbors, our siblings, our friends...the people in our lives who should be our support systems can so easily become the people we see as threats to our happiness.

It is so important that we take a step back and realize we can't and shouldn't measure our success by other people's lives. How boring would life be of we were all meant to do the same things and live the same way? We need to realize our accomplishments aren't measured against other's, but by the happiness they bring us...the happiness we can bring ourselves.

I like to believe I'm not competitive with the people in my life, but I'm probably only fooling myself. I'm not immune to the very thing I'm blogging against. I will say I am making an honest effort to reassess how I evaluate myself and my life. My FAVORITE quote, which I know I have used before, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

YOU are in charge of your happiness. YOU are your best friend and your worst enemy. YOU are your own competition, because every body's elses life is everybody elses. THIS is yours, so live it and live it well.

With a Cherry on Top

2010-02-12T09:59:00.004-05:00

I never thought I'd be that mom who wants to push her kids out the door and onto the school bus. I didn't get the parents who couldn't wait for summer break to be over and the kids would be out of their hair. Well, along came "Snowmaggedon 2010" and everything changed. After an entire week of school being canceled and coughs and fevers preventing them from doing much, I can't WAIT for life to get back to the old routine and the kids to get back to school.

I love them to pieces, but every hour I have to reassure them the Valentine's Day party will be rescheduled. I have to convince them the 100th day of school celebration will be pushed back. I need to remove Elliot's hair from Beckett's balled up little fist. There isn't enough coffee to energize me at this point.

A couple of nights ago we were all on the edge. Television wasn't entertaining anymore, coloring had gotten boring and nobody had the attention span to listen to another story. I remembered seeing a post on Facebook about ice cream made from snow and knew that would get my little ones smiling again. I sent the hubby to Cogos with a few dollars for half and half and the kids and I took out all the other stuff we would need.

The whining stopped. The crabbiness was replaced by giddiness and we all had fun mixing and making the ice cream as a family. They all got to help and then they all got to eat it up. We even swirled some caramel on it, and, after much begging from Elliot, put a little cherry on top!

I guess in some ways that is what parenting is all about. Our kids, even the sweetest of them, can really push us to the limits of our sanity sometimes. It is in those moments we need to step back, reflect and just HAVE FUN! We need to celebrate the wonder of ice cream made from snow rather than just trying quiet the masses, we need to marvel at the magic of steady flurries falling from the sky rather than curse the covered sidewalk, and we need to celebrate that sometimes the best thing at the end of a long day is just that cherry on top!

SNOW ICE CREAM, VANILLA

MIX:
1 tbsp. vanilla 3/4 c. sugar 1/8 tsp. salt 2 c. half & half, or more
ADD:
Snow, 2 cups at a time. Make sure you get CLEAN snow. Add enough snow to get a thick ice cream but make sure you keep tasting it so it tastes good. Too much snow and you'll lose the flavor. Eat right away.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2010-02-09T10:32:00.003-05:00

For whatever reason, Mother Nature decided to dump three years worth of snow on the Mid-Atlantic in two days, leaving gleaming white piles of "pain-in-the-ass" all over the place. I actually think it looks beautiful out, and if it were just a matter of being snowed in, I wouldn't mind. That is a perk of being married to an educator - when the rest of the city still needs to drive through the madness to get to the office, I get my hubby here with me!

My problem with this winter wonderland started around 10PM Friday night when the power went out. Both of my daughters (who should have been asleep) came up the stairs screaming bloody murder. I walked around, gathered some candles and my husband got a fire going in the fireplace. I gathered pillows and blankets, we pulled out the sleeper sofa and went to bed. I say went to bed rather than went to sleep because while the three of them cuddled on the bed, I was on the couch part, squished and cold.

When the dog decided it was time for the day to begin at 6:30 the following morning, I was annoyed to see the power had yet to return. The hubby got the fire going again and I figured out how to keep the kids entertained and fed in the only warm room in the house. I got creative and cooked hot dogs over the fire and stored the milk outside in the snow. As the day went on we realized there was less and less chance of our power being restored, so we shipped 2 kids to my brother's for the night and picked up Chinese food. Our neighbor borrowed a generator so we got our furnace going and one lamp, but I was jonesing pretty bad for Internet and the local news. My husband called the power company and was told we should have our power back no later than Friday. FRIDAY!!!! That was still 6 days away!

Sunday we woke up, loaded the boys into the truck and headed out on Mission Find a Freaking Generator. Our neighbor's friend was coming to reclaim theirs, so we couldn't risk failing this quest we were on. We began by heading south to the Home Depot in Washington, Pa. They were expecting a shipment of between 50-75 generators. When we arrived we were told 50 "magic" tickets had been handed out already. We could wait but we weren't guaranteed anything. It was like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A large group of people were gathered by the lighting department, clutching their golden tickets. One gentleman said he was thinking about selling his ticket to somebody without one.

This was the first time in all of the craziness that I felt a bit defeated. A man was really talking about taking advantage of people who just wanted to take care of their homes and families. A woman next to him quickly proved to me that good wins out, though. She offered to call me when the shipment came so we could take the little boys for breakfast and said she would listen for anybody giving up and handing their ticket off. After 2 hours in Washington, though, there was still no word of the truck arriving, and we decided to try our luck at another Home Depot in Bridgeville, Pa. As we pulled into the parking lot, a friend called and said he had bought a generator for us in Allison Park, Pa. We met him there, he returned it and we bought it.

Our tour of the Pittsburgh area wasn't over, though. A coworker had offered to let us borrow a small generator he owned, s we headed to Turtle Creek and then finally made it back home. All told, we drove 110 miles. I will say, coming home, hooking it all up, switching on the television and checking my email made it all worth it! We were able to get three neighbors up and running as well between the 2 generators.

Finally, Monday afternoon our power returned and I began to clean up and organize the mess that had materialized while the power was out. I think I'll appreciate flipping a light switch a bit more for a few days. It amazes me how we don't even realize the things we take for granted. Even though the whole thing got stressful, I can honestly say Joe and I never lost our cool with each other or the kids. We worked as a team and now we are ready for round two that is supposed to blow in later today!

I am going to ignore the ugly in the whole experience and celebrate the neighbors who came together, the strangers looking out for each other, and the family that reached out to help! Even two feet of snow can't freeze the hearts of Pittsburghers!

No Good Deed...

2010-02-05T12:47:00.002-05:00

I have a confession to make...I've been driving around with expired inspection stickers for a while now. Some of you may be shocked to find out after all this time that I am nothing but a hardened criminal...a hooligan...shall we go as far as gangsta? It appears this whole "good guy" act was exactly that - an act.

Today after dropping my daughter off at preschool I decided to run into the post office with my two, very grumpy little boys. Nolan, my 2-year-old, was whining for blankie, which had been left at home. Beckett was screaming because Nolan refused to share any of the Cookie Crisp he had in a little baggie. I wouldn't have normally stopped when they were in such a mood, but I needed stamps to send fliers to local businesses asking them to help me in my fundraising goal for the St. Baldrick's event I am taking part in.

I pulled into a spot and noticed a police officer slowly pulling over to me. I had been spotted...the gig was up. Fair enough, I thought. He started to pull in next to me, but I guess he got a good look at me and could see my evil nature shining through. He pulled his police cruiser behind me so I couldn't escape. Can't you just see it now..."Nolan, Beckett, hold on. Momma's gonna see what this minivan can do. I'm not going down for this!" Now imagine the sound of screeching tires and smell the burning rubber as I peel out of the post office parking lot for have an expired inspection. GIVE ME A BREAK!

It gets better. After being certain to have me blocked so I can't escape, he turns his lights on. Really? Seriously now. It isn't like I had pulled in after swerving all over the road, stumbled into the liquor store while my kids are left in the freezing minivan. I was at the post office for stamps to send letters to raise money for children with cancer. Ugh.

Anyway, he didn't even get me for the expired inspection. Apparently my registration was expired as well. I can honestly say I had no idea. I never got the renewal form in the mail. I know this with 100% certainty because I have a regular routine when those lovely envelopes come from the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. They go in a particular spot so Joe can take care of it. It never came, and I don't make a habit of looking at the little sticker on the back of the car to see when it was up.

I assured him I would go straight home, get on the computer and renew my registration pronto. He didn't buy it. Granted, he could have also written me a ticket for the inspection, which he didn't. He merely gave me a warning there. However, my trip for stamps ended with a $160 ticket. At this point you can imagine how pleasant the boys were strapped into the car seats in a very cold minivan outside the post office. I, of course, blame the entire thing on my husband. Isn't everything always the husband's fault?

Love Isn't Love till You Give It Away

2010-01-30T17:07:00.003-05:00

After a week like this past one, I don't even know where to begin. There are a million things, a million thanks I would like to share with so many people. How can I though? How can I begin to explain to somebody the depth of my gratitude for loving my brother and trying to lessen the hurt consuming his heart?

The last several days haven't just been about hurting, though. They have also been a celebration and time to remember the wonderful way a beautiful young woman lived her life. I think we could all take some pointers from my sister-in-law, Deanna, and her positive outlook on life. Deanna lived her entire life with Cystic Fibrosis, but the Cystic Fibrosis wasn't her entire life. Deanna didn't sit around waiting to be sick again, or limiting her dreams because of it.

Noah also didn't let Deanna's disease limit his ability to love her. He didn't see the diagnosis as a definition of their relationship. A lot of people might not have been brave enough or giving enough to be able to enter a marriage and know the heartache the future would hold.

I've looked hard for a positive...a silver lining in all of this pain. I think there are a couple. One, Noah and Deanna always knew what tomorrow possibly held, so they got in as much love and living as they could. The reality is, none of really knows what tomorrow holds, so shouldn't we ALL live that way? I don't want to have regrets about things I never did with people or said to people who mean so much to me. I want to truly live my life rather than just get by with the life I have. I want to embrace each moment and celebrate the gifts I've been given.

The other positive thing I took away from all of this was the amount of love shown during the week. The number of people at the viewings was overwhelming, and I could truly feel the love in the room. My brother's friends flew in from Switzerland, California, Canada, Florida, New York...and there are more I'm probably missing. My brother and Deanna are so loved by so many. Unfortunately, it often takes a tragedy to see who loves us. It was uplifting for me to be a part of all that love. I believe all that love will carry Noah through the rough times ahead.

I don't know what the weeks, days, hours ahead hold for my brother as he continues the grieving process and moves into the healing phase. I am just grateful to know so many of you will be part of that journey with him. Please continue the prayers, and don't forget to tell the people you love how you feel.

Some Sunshine Peeking Through

2010-01-26T10:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday morning I had to go to my brother's house to find his suit to take to the dry cleaners. It might sound like an ordinary chore, but when the suit needs cleaned so he can bury his 30-year-old wife, there is nothing ordinary or okay about it. It isn't something a 27-year-old should have to face after only 2 1/2 years of marriage. It isn't fair and it really, really pisses me off. Really.

It pisses me off because they still had plans they never got to, dreams they hadn't realized and a lot of love still to share. They never even got to live in their own house together. My brother had been fixing it up to make it the home they envisioned. It is amazing how loud the quiet was as I walked through the rooms looking for his suit yesterday.

She was in a lot pain before she passed away, and I am grateful that her pain is over, but that is the only positive thing I can find in this tragedy. It hurts to see the amount of pain in my brother's eyes and know there is nothing I can do to take that suffering away. I can't make it better, but I know eventually the hurting will change for him, not go away, but change and he'll be able to see some good and some happiness again.

As I was driving to his house yesterday, there was a very ominous grey cloud straight ahead. I couldn't help but notice the contrast of the the stormy sky ahead of me and the blue skies and sunshine in my rear view mirror. It reminded me that the grey clouds always get blown away eventually, and we can always look forward to the sunshine that will find its way through. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but the day will come when the sunshine will warm my brother's face and heart again.

I know my brother has a very special angel watching over him, but please keep him in your prayers as well.

Learning to Love

2010-01-17T10:01:00.002-05:00

I couldn't sleep last night at all. All I could think about was the two sisters from Pittsburgh, Jamie and Ali, who run the BRESMA orphanage in Haiti. These two amazing sisters who have had the opportunity to leave Haiti since the earthquake...they've had the opportunity to be home with water and food and medical care....they've had the opportunity to do the one thing nobody would fault them for doing, saving themselves. But have they, no. No, they face the scary reality of riots and no food and no water, because they refuse to leave the 150 children they are caring for in the yard of the orphanage.

There has been an amazing effort, started by Ginny of thatschurch.com, and fueled by the love and compassion that is Pittsburgh, to get both sisters and all of their children to the United States. It hasn't happened yet, and every day that it doesn't happen it becomes more terrifying. During the effort, somebody commented that it is short sighted for so many people to focus their energy on saving a few when there are so many in need. I've thought about that statement over, and over, and over.

There is a story of an old man walking along the shore throwing beached starfish back into the ocean. He is asked why bother, there are more than he can possibly save. He picks up one and replies that to that one starfish, it makes all the difference in the world. There are more people in Haiti that need help than we can possibly wrap our minds around. When I think about it, my heart hurts and my eyes swell with tears. We as a community cannot save or help all the people in Haiti. I think it is amazing, though, that there has been such an outpouring for this group of children that we MAY be able to save.

Also, I would love for those same negative minded people to call Jamie and Ali's family. Call them and ask them why we should bother putting so much effort and energy into a few people when there are so many more. I'm sure they could give you a plethora of reasons, a ton of stories and a million dreams of the girls' future that could change your mind.

Because we can't do everything, we should do nothing? I think not.

Next on my list...this idea that the United States should not be offering so much relief when we are plagued with problems back here at home. Really? Seriously people, pull your head out of your asses. Because I have financial problems and other stresses at my house, does that mean I shouldn't try to help my neighbor if his house catches fire? It would be a sad world to live in if our concerns did not extend past our own front door. I am proud to live in a country where we reach out to others. I don't always agree with some of the crap our government does. I'm just saying there is a reason we are the greatest country in the world!

Please, let's all keep praying for Jamie, Ali, the children and everyone in Haiti.

Say Cheese!

2010-01-12T14:16:00.002-05:00

Regis and Kelly are running their annual cutest baby contest. Like every other parent in America, I am convinced that my babies are indeed, the cutest. I can't figure out yet why neither of my girls were ever in the running. Now that they've aged out, my attention is on my two beautiful boys. I decided today to focus on getting the perfect picture of my 2-year-old. I did his hair, I put on a cute little sweater, and pulled out the camera.

I probably took 30 pictures, most of which were out of focus because he was rushing over to the camera to check himself out. Or, he was doing this super cute, but not award-winning smile, where he scrunches up his face and shows off ALL of his teeth. I find it precious, but I think Regis and Kelly would say otherwise.

It now seems I may go with a different picture, from a different day when his hair was messy and he was wearing a t-shirt. It isn't staged or just right, but it is my little guy all the way.

I feel like this whole, stressful photography experience is just a metaphor for my life. I work to set things up the way I think they will work best. I do what I think will create the perfect outcome, but at the end of the day, I am always reminded that most aspects of life are out of my control. And that is okay, because sometimes it turns out the things we didn't plan for, like messy hair and a blue t-shirt, are exactly the right thing! All I can do really do is set it all up, and hope when the shutter releases there is something there worth framing!

Turn to Page 42

2010-01-07T10:59:00.003-05:00

Remember when you were younger and you used to read those "choose your own adventure" books. I loved those. I always loved books in general, though. Anyway, remember how those always seemed to turn out, you'd choose to go down the pretty, tree lined path, only to have an ogre jump out and eat you...story over. It was great, though, because you could turn back and see what would have happened had you gone through the door in the tree, or gotten on the horse with the mysterious stranger. You could always go back to see where the story could have taken you.

Life if only half like that, I've realized. We have all these options...all these choices to make and adventures to choose. The thing is, normally we only get one shot. We can't turn back and know how our lives could have turned out had we chosen differently. It can be fun to think about, though.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. About small choices that could have made a big difference. About big choices that could have changed everything I know in my life now. No matter what scenario I imagine, though, nothing compares to the life I have now with my amazing husband and awesome kiddos. I really mean that. Not that I think sitting on the couch crocheting in my college sweats and watching television while my husband sleeps on the other side of the couch snoring is glamorous in any way, shape or form, but it is my life and I wouldn't change it.

I don't mean there aren't changes I can make to who I am to improve my life or better myself, but where I am in my life is exactly where I am meant to be. It is a great feeling to know that without any doubt. I hope there are a lot more adventures for me to choose in my life, and I know whatever choice I make will be the right one as long as I have my family with me.

"Life is the sum of all your choices." ~Albert Camus

New You Resolution

2010-01-04T12:27:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be honest...I've never gotten the whole, "oh my gosh, this is so exciting, it is a new year" thing. I don't really do New Year's Eve. Call me boring, it's just not my thing. Don't get me wrong, we had a friend and his kids over for New Year's Eve to eat pizza, drink a few beers and play the Wii, but it didn't feel any different than a Friday night play date.

It is no secret that 2009 was not a stellar year for me. It definitely threw me some curve balls and presented me with some challenges. I'm still standing, though, so I guess it wasn't all bad. Going into this new year, I of course have hopes and goals and things to look forward to. This being said, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions.

For those of you who do, let me ask you, what difference does the date make? Why does it take a new calendar for you to commit to yourself? You deserve to know that every day you wake up, you have the ability to change yourself, improve your life and move forward. You don't need a ball to drop in Times Square to be worthy of putting yourself first and focusing on what matters most.

If you want a resolution, why not resolve to continually improve your life...to evaluate and prioritize EVERY day. Go ahead and go to the gym, or quit smoking, or improve your diet, or whatever you decided you would do in 2010. But don't sell yourself short, you are capable of doing great things in your life EVERY DAY!

Don't just make a New Year's resolution that fades as we move further away from January 1, make a New You resolution. You really are worth it!!!!!

Holiday Happiness

2009-12-14T13:03:00.004-05:00

Long time, no blog. There has been so much happening it would seem like I would have plenty to say, but sometimes there just aren't words to express the roller coaster of emotions life can bring our way. My own gray cloud hasn't blown over yet, but it has been overshadowed by the unpredictability of life.

My sister-in-law has cystic fibrosis. For those of you who may not be familiar with this disease... "Cystic fibrosis is an inherited disease that causes thick, sticky mucus to build up in the lungs and digestive tract. It is one of the most common type of chronic lung disease in children and young adults, and may result in early death." (Google Health)

My husband's brother, Charlie, died of this disease as a child, and now my younger brother's wife, Deanna, is fighting for her life. It has been a series of near misses and last ditch efforts that have kept her going. Then, two days ago, a miracle...my brother got a call that they had found a donor for her...a new set of lungs...another chance at life.

Saturday an amazing team of doctors not only renewed her chance for life, but renewed the hope of a lot of people who love Deanna and my brother. How amazing! What a Christmas miracle given to us by a family somewhere facing their own loss and grief. My heart goes out to the family of this and all donors. What a selfless act, to give other people a chance to live a normal life.

Deanna's battle isn't done. She needs to heal from her surgery and continue to get stronger. I know she can and will, though. I know that God is great and has been with her and my brother through this entire journey.

Most of us don't need new lungs, but we may need a new attitude, a new perspective, a new direction for our lives. This holiday season, let Deanna's story inspire you to give yourself that gift of hope. Find what you need in your life to make it all you want it to be. It is never too late to be happy...really, truly happy.

The Breaking Point

2009-11-23T14:16:00.003-05:00

I visited somewhere this weekend I don't like to go often...the breaking point. I've been trying so hard for months to file away all my stresses in an orderly fashion...the cars barely hanging on, the dog with the gross tail, my mother-in-law's illness, the giant grey cloud that remains nameless...the list goes on and on. Since August I've been coming here as a much needed outlet and a place to find perspective. At some point, though, enough gets to be enough.

Saturday my beautiful 4-year-old daughter cut her hair. Not a cute little trim...she cut it off. Her bangs are about an inch long and stick straight out. On the left side her hair doesn't go past her ear. She is still beautiful. It is just hair. The list of cliches to make me feel better about it goes on and on. I know all of these things are true, but it doesn't change the fact that a pair of scissors and one cute little kiddo sent me over the edge.

What do you do when you are so overwhelmed and feel like you are drowning and can't seem to find a life raft to grab on to? What do you do when you can feel the anxiety and panic in your chest, because every time you turn around there is just one more thing not going right? What do you do when you really have no clue when it will all start getting a little bit easier?

Here is what I did. First, I yelled at my girls...Elliot for cutting her hair, Presley for watching her do it. Then I cried. Then I cried some more. Then I realized that all the yelling and crying in the world weren't going to fix the list of things going wrong. I also realized that all these little hiccups, as stressful as they may be, aren't enough to break me. I grabbed the remote crontrol, went to "On Demand" and we had a family movie night complete with pizza and Monsters vs. Aliens. The kids laid on the floor with their favorite pillows and blankets, and the six of us laughed and cuddled and enjoyed being a family.

Family movie night didn't make my problems go away, but it did make them disappear for a little while. As for the chaos that is turning into my life, I guess I just need to deal with it one problem at a time, and not lose faith that it will all be better soon. And if sooner turns into later, at least I have an amazing family to see me through.

Loving the Sunshine

2009-11-19T16:09:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure about the rest of the country, but Pittsburgh has had the most beautiful fall I can ever remember. The sun has been shining, the temperature has been comfortable...it has been amazing. I've needed the sunshine. It is a good pick-me-up, and a great reminder that no matter what is happening in my life, life will continue, that there are so many wonderful things happening around me, and that God hasn't forgotten me.

And, since the shining sun has proven yet again that life goes on, I am ready to pick myself up, dust myself off and attack the challenges that face me. The thing is, in life, we can't always change what issues we need to deal with. We don't have a choice in a lot of the obstacles thrown at us. That can be a very hard reality to face, because we all want to be the ones controlling where our lives will go. What we do get to decide, though, is how we carry ourselves and how we approach the tough times.

I wish I could say I am always as positive as I strive to be...as I encourage others to be...but I'm not. Sometimes I need somebody telling ME it will all be okay. Sometimes I want to be the one to fall apart. It is alright to have the moments, as long as we don't let ourselves get lost in that self pity. It is very easy to drown in our own tears, and that is why you have to hold your head up high.

Today, I choose to not let my problems dictate the kind of day I will have. Today, I choose to not let my worries change the kind of mom I am to my awesome kids. Today, I choose to be my own sunshine.

Here is a quote to keep you looking up!

"May you never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you're looking down." Author Unknown

A Knock at the Door

2009-11-17T10:54:00.004-05:00

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I guess a lot of people might be expecting a "what I am thankful for" sort of post. I hate to disappoint, but that isn't exactly where I foresee this going. Not that I am not thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am extremely grateful, but that is something I celebrate every day...not just in November.

I wish life was full of only good things, good times and good people. The reality is the world is full of a lot of crappy stuff too. Sometimes it seems like the crap is more powerful than those blessings, and that is when we really need to reflect on what we are thankful for in our lives. It can be so easy to lose sight of the good when the bad is banging down the door.

Right now, there are some pretty loud knocks in my entrance way, and I'm working very hard to keep that negativity out. It isn't always as simple as dead bolting the lock, though. Sometimes we need everybody we love to come and stand against that door. Sometimes it takes everybody we have in our corner working together to stop the bad stuff from over running our lives.

I don't really have a whole lot more to add right now. Sometime having TOO much on your mind and heart makes it hard to say anything at all. Just never lose sight of the people who are in your corner, never lose sight of who will stand against that door with you. In the end, it is only the people in our lives who truly matter.

That Which Make Us Who We Are

2009-11-12T10:07:00.003-05:00

Per my friend Melissa's request I was preparing to write my little positive blog for the day. After finding my 2-year-old painting the bathroom with green nail polish I thought for sure I would write about the challenges of parenthood. I went down to my office to find my Mr. Roger's book for the quote I knew would fit, when I came across my journal from my sophomore year in college (which needs to be thrown into a bonfire VERY soon).

Wow. I think that about sums it all up. I can't believe how grown up I thought I was at the time, and reading it now I can see how much growing I had yet to do. Let me just thank and apologize to everybody who put up with me back then. Seriously. Just reading all the boys' names I was crushing on at one time is enough to make a person's head spin.

Twelve years have come and gone since my last entry in that journal and Hans and Paul and Jake are the names from the past. It is Mom, Dad, Karen, Rachel, Josh, Noah, Micah and Erin...the friends and family in that journal that are still beside me in my life that make it hard to throw that book away. Most of my journal entries from that time about my family involve me being mad or fights that we had. It isn't that they are happy, shiny memories. In fact, a lot of my entries about my best friend Erin at that time are during a rough patch in our friendship.

It is a great reminder that relationships don't have to be perfect to be perfect for us. This is true of all relationships in our lives. I love my husband and think we have a great marriage, but I'll be the first to admit our relationship is not without its tough times. We get mad...we fight...but we always find a way to work through it. I love my children unconditionally and whole heartedly, but even those relationships have room to grow and improve. Gosh, even my relationship with myself has a long way to go, and I've been working on that for 31 years!!!!

Looking back now, I know all those fights with my parents and siblings and best friend were just blocks leading us down the road to the relationships we have now. I talk to my parents every day, I talk to at least one of my siblings every day and Erin and I are as close now as we ever were. I am so grateful that I had the chance to day to look back at those relationships as they were then, because it make me even more grateful for the amazing people in my life today.

I also found the book I wrote quotes that I like in, so it is only appropriate that the perfect one is right there on the first page.

"We like someone because. We love someone although." Henry DeMontherlant

Puppies and Rainbows

2009-11-10T15:11:00.003-05:00

I'm having a less than stellar day and really feel like whining, complaining and asking for pity as I bask in my misery. However, that would be the complete opposite of the mission behind my blog, so I'm sitting here hoping the screen and keyboard will inspire some puppies and rainbows from me. Waiting...waiting...

Okay, so it isn't magically happening for me. Maybe I need to try another approach to getting out of my slump. Maybe I need to find my own happiness on days that it isn't so easy. When I'm hungry I fix a grilled cheese and make myself not hungry. When I am sick I take medicine and make myself feel better. So why should feeling down be any different. I'm not magically full or magically cured, so why would I be magically happy?

I've battled depression for years. This is a concept my husband just doesn't get. He can't see the difference between being depressed and being unhappy. He always asks what I have to be so unhappy about. The reality is I am very happy in my life, very satisfied. I have four beautiful children, and a husband who I may not always see eye to eye with, but who I love very much and loves me in return.

I guess happiness is sort of like hunger. Just because you have food in the kitchen doesn't mean you don't get hungry. Just having it isn't enough. It is all what you do with it. First, you need to know you are hungry, figure out what you want, and then eat. Sometimes eating once isn't enough and you have to go back for more.

Just because there are great people and things in your life doesn't mean your life is all happiness all the time. It is what we do with our lives, it is how we treat the great people in it, and how aware we are of what we need...what we REALLY need to be happy. If we skip a meal, despite the food being right there in the fridge, we might get grumpy and pretty darn hungry. Likewise, if we don't take the time to enjoy the things in our lives that bring us that inner peace and joy, our souls will hunger for some happiness.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess what I've gotten out of this rambling is that being happy with your life and where you are in your life doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. (Does that even make sense?) Let me try that again...Even the happiest person can have blah days...those days where Ben and Jerry and a spoon are the only companions you feel like.

Hmmm...still no magical puppies and rainbows. Guess I'll have to resort to my standby!

Judgement Day

2009-11-09T13:15:00.006-05:00

I've slowly been reading the book, The Shack. It is a great book, but I like it in small doses because I need time to stop and reflect on what I've read. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the premise is a man named Mack gets to spend a weekend in a cabin with God in an effort to come to terms with a terrible loss in his life. The chapter I read today was about the judgement we pass on ourselves, others and even on God.

This really got me thinking about myself and the judgements I make and how I justify doing this. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around throwing rocks at people I don't feel are up to my standards. I know I am guilty of throwing the proverbial first stone before, though. A mom who seems neglectful, a wife having an affair, a husband who is controlling...why do I feel it is my place to judge these people. It makes me wonder what judgements people make about me?

I was at the tailor today to have alterations done on my daughter's dress. The tailor asked how many kids I have and I told him four, to which he replied, "You're too young to have that many kids." It wasn't meant as a compliment, or at least that isn't the way it seemed to me. To me it felt like a judgement. In his defense, I do look younger than I am. (If you disagree with my last statement, keep it to yourself!!!)

On Saturday I had a flat tire and was late for a soccer game. I had all four kids in the van and my husband was out of town. When my daughter asked me for the umpteenth time how I was going to fix it, I snapped and yelled at her to sit down and don't talk till I tell her she could. No, I'm not proud of it and I apologized. At the same time I was yelling, my neighbor's friend was getting out of his car and looked at me like I had just beat my little one. He doesn't know me, and how easy it is to pass judgement based on that one impression. To him I probably looked like a clueless mom who doesn't appreciate the blessing my kids are. In reality, I like to believe I am a pretty good mom, and most of the time pretty patient. (Once again folks, if you disagree...well, you know the drill.)

I'm not perfect, and know that while it is easy to sit at a keyboard and say I am cured from one chapter in one book and I'm never going to judge anyone again, I know that isn't the reality. I just hope to be more aware of unfair judgement I may pass on others, and be forgiving of those who seem to judge me.

Here is a great quote I found that really got me thinking!!!

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

Masks

2009-11-03T21:08:00.005-05:00

Halloween just came and went, leaving a massive amount of candy calling to me from the kitchen cabinet. I love looking at all of the cute costumes, all the creative ones, and even the scary ones. It is fun that one day a year we can dress up and be somebody different than who we have to be in our every day lives.

The Obama, and Nixon and Scream masks aren't the only type of masks I've been seeing lately, though. More and more I'm realizing just how many people around me where one type of mask or another to hide who they are, how they are feeling, or what their real motivations are.

There are the nasty masks...the people who pose as your friends...the people who embed themselves in your life only to betray and disappoint you. How sad for these people that they are so inadequate in who they really are that they live their lives as a charade. Unfortunately for them, the little game of charades doesn't last forever, and eventually their true colors show through. For people hurt by this type (as I have been in my life) try to hold your head high and know that the hurt WILL go away. The people in your life who are true, who always care, aren't going anywhere. These miserable people will someday answer for their actions...maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow...maybe not until we have moved way on in our lives and they are no longer part of it, but that day will come.

Then there are the masks we wear to protect ourselves. Acting tough, reacting with anger, not letting ourselves cry. I think for those who wear this one, it is important to know you don't have to. There are people in your life with a shoulder waiting for you to cry on. Vent, yell, get mad, get real. Because the real people in your life love you for exactly who you are, for the real you.

I think it can be hard in life to be ourselves and let our guard down. That is why it is so important to recognize the people in your life who show themselves, their TRUE selves, and stand by you no matter what. I have been very blessed by having these people in my lives, in my husband, my parents, my siblings and a couple of really great friends. They are sort of like that person that walks in front of you at a haunted house. The one whose back you dig your face into when Freddy Kruger, or Jason, or Michael Meyers jumps out from around the corner. Truth be told, those aren't the scariest masks in life, and thank God we have people to walk us through the house of horrors life can sometimes be.

Autumn Remembrance

2009-10-28T10:07:00.003-04:00

I love autumn. I love the beautiful colors that paint the Pennsylvania hillsides. I can't get enough of the smell of the leaves, either. I know...I'm odd. Once upon a time I was a cross country runner and we were a fall sport. That is probably why I come down with an overwhelming urge to run all September and October long. I love making soup and stew and grilled cheese...all those delicious comfort foods that taste a little bit better as the temperature starts to drop this time of year.

As much as I love fall, it is also a sad time of year for me. Last year my family lost three members, my grandfather in September, my aunt in October and my uncle in November. The October before last we lost my other uncle to his battle with cancer. I haven't figured out when you stop missing somebody so much that it hurts.

This past weekend the hospice group that helped care for my aunt and uncle in their final days held a memorial for the patients lost over the last year. It was so nice to hear their names read aloud. That may seem strange, but my aunt and uncle's only child died twenty years ago. They didn't have any immediate family. It was so nice to have them recognized...to have somebody else acknowledge that they did exist and they did matter.

I know a lot of us have lost people close to us...in fact I don't know many people who haven't lost somebody they love. If you would like to leave a comment and share a memory of somebody still in your heart, or just share their name, it would be nice to recognize and celebrate these loved ones together. I think sometimes there is comfort in knowing we don't mourn our loved ones alone.

My grandmother had this poem on a small picture that hung in her kitchen. I always found a little bit of peace in it.

I cannot say, and will not say
That she is dead. She is just away.
With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand,
She has wandered into an unknown land
And left us dreaming how very fair
It needs must be, since she lingers there.
And you-oh, you, who the wildest yearn
For an old-time step, and the glad return,
Think of her faring on, as dear
In the love of there as the love of here.
Think of her still as the same. I say,
She is not dead- she is just away.

My Personal Perfect Storm

2009-10-23T13:14:00.004-04:00

I hate to blame anyone else for my current state of frustration, but it is so much easier than blaming myself. Problem number one is I know I am slightly sensitive. Okay...my family can stop rolling their eyes now...I am very sensitive. I always have been and I'm guessing I always will be. Problem number two is I've always needed validation from other people. I HATE that about myself. I really do and I've tried so hard to change it, but low and behold, I'm 31 and still need that "good job kiddo" I needed when I was five.

The two problems combine to create the perfect storm, I don't get the validation I need and I, in my oversensitive state of mind, assume the worst. Or, God forbid, somebody say something less than positive and I jump on the defensive...ready to go into battle...ready to dual till the death. Okay, now I'm exaggerating, but I think you get the idea.

So now that I've put my photography out there in its very own blog, summercreationsphotography.blogspot.com, I sort of feel like I'm walking downtown in the middle of the road butt naked. This is not a cheap attempt for praise. I just feel anxious, nervous and more oversensitive than normal. Although I felt very much the same when I started this blog. What is it about sharing ourselves that makes us SO vulnerable. I've done so much in my life to be proud of. I have four beautiful children, a great marriage, and I believe I live my life in the best possible way. And yet, what? Why do I need anybody else to validate me when I've done so much I'm already proud of?

I know I'm not going to magically change and not care what other people think, even though I sometimes pretend I don't. I plan to continue working on my own outlook on things. I hope as I continue to write and take pictures I will continue to grow in my self confidence. I would rather hope for this personal growth than to stop sharing, to stop putting myself out there, to stop inviting you in.

I'm going to leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes. I hope you will remember it if you ever have your own perfect storm of insecurity and sensitivity.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Little Things Make the Big Difference

2009-10-22T10:32:00.002-04:00

I'm stressed multiplied by 10. I should not be sitting here pecking away at the keyboard. My house is a disaster, the dirty laundry pile is overflowing up the stairs and my mother-in-law is coming for a visit tomorrow. Needless to say, I will be scrambling to get this house in order in time. (I can read your mind, Roberta, but yes, I do plan on cleaning for you coming so please don't tell me not to bother on your behalf!)

As overwhelmed as I am, I have found a bit of relief this morning. You will probably think I'm crazy, but my happiness is steaming in the mug sitting next to me. Coffee. Not just any coffee, Maxwell House Lite with two sugars and...here it is...peppermint mocha creamer. Oh it is SO good. It is also the inspiration for today's post. It really got me thinking how the little things can make an otherwise chaotic world feel doable.

Sometimes when the people around us do little things, it is a huge reminder that somebody cares. A noontime phone call from your spouse to see how your day is going...it only takes a few minutes, but how nice to know somebody is thinking about you. An unexpected card...a plate of cookies...a bottle of wine. There are so many little things we can do to brighten some body's day.

One of my favorite pick-me-ups is the pictures my children color for me. They LOVE to draw pictures and write me notes. They may not be Picasso, but when I look at their artwork I don't need to see perfection, I see love. Inside the lines, outside the lines, misspelled words...I love it no matter what! I don't think this is true of just my kids' artwork. People don't care if you are perfect as long as they know you care.

I have a homework assignment that I hope you will all take the time to think about and do. What little thing can you do for somebody to make a big difference in their day? We don't always get to see the fruit of our labor, but that isn't why we do it anyway!

I thought this was a great quote to keep in mind as you think about what you can do for somebody in your life!

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." ~ Kahlil Gibran

Couch Cushions, Blankets and Lots of Love

2009-10-19T10:11:00.004-04:00

Growing up I lived in a really great neighborhood. Next to our house was a side walk that led to path that led to an alleyway that led me right to my friend Kelly's house. A bunch of us would meet there and play kick the can or go a few doors down for a game of knockout. It was great.

One of my all time favorite things to do at Kelly's house, though, was to build a fort. Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson were so great with us tearing apart their game room for the purpose of those awesome childhood forts of couch cushions and blankets. Of course, I didn't appreciate it at the time, but now as a mom who is constantly reconstructing my own couch after the kids build one, I get what a pain it can be.

As a child, anything was possible in the security of that fort. I could be a princess in a castle waiting to be saved, I could the captain of a ship, steering my vessel through choppy water...the possibilities were endless. Watching my own children play and create, I see how valuable the days of carelessness and limitless possibilities are. Someday, they'll know that even the most beautiful princesses don't get to happily ever after without a lot of heartache along the way. Someday they'll realize couch cushions and blankets aren't an unpenetratable fortress, that the problems of life find their way in.

This is my hope, though. I hope that Joe and I are able to teach them that heartache will happen, but broken hearts can be mended. I hope they know that none of life's problems are bigger than their parents love for them. I hope they know that they might not get to be a princess, but they can be a doctor, or a meteorologist, or a mom or a teacher or whatever they set their minds to.

And I want them to remember, even when they are 31 and are frustrated as they put the cushions back on the couch for the umpteenth time, that while those living room forts can't keep those problem of life out, they can hold SOOOO much love in. Every once in a while, I think we all need to crawl into a fort and find that child that still lives within us!!!

The Quicker Picker Upper

2009-10-16T12:39:00.005-04:00

Breath in...now out.

Let's see if I can collect my thoughts and emotions long enough to write a long overdue post! I wish I could report everything has been so wonderful that I haven't needed to write and find my "ah ha moments" on here, but sadly I have just been crazy busy and uninspired.

I took a blow yesterday with my original issue that brought me here to share and seek some sunshine, and haven't been able to shake that gray cloud that seems to be hovering above me since. No need for concerned emails and phone calls...I'm fine and will continue to be fine because I haven't lost sight of the blessings in my life. Being fine, though, doesn't mean I can't have moments of self pity and frustration.

We all know the way it goes, though. You feel down about one thing and everything else just starts going wrong. You get stuck behind a dump truck while rushing to pick your daughter up from preschool. (Sorry Ellsie Bells) Your 2-year-old finds your wallet and dumps it, leaving you scrambling to gather up the change before the baby eats it. (I made it just in time to pull the quarter from his little mouth) The dog runs in before you have time to clean off her mud covered paws, leaving wonderful little prints all through the kitchen.

And then, the pièce de résistance, I open the fridge to get out the milk to finish the macaroni and cheese for the three kids in the next room screaming for food like they had NEVER eaten, only for the 2-quart pitcher of Kool Aid to fall, soaking my jeans and sending a tidal wave of purple sweetness across the tile floor. In case the mess wasn't enough, the kiddies came running into the kitchen to see why mommy was screaming, stepping in the mess and spreading it further.

Back to breath in...now out.

I actually remained pretty calm, returned the kids to the family room and flipped on Ratatouille to distract them. I grabbed a roll of paper towels and began to soak it up, rushing to the grape flavored river about to travel under the fridge. As I tore square after square and watched as it soaked up my spill, I began to fantasize about mega paper towels that can soak up life's problems. Sure, these little squares are great for Kool-Aid and milk, but imagine such a simple fix for those curve balls life throws our way that we can't simply wipe away.

I guess in some way we do have that. It just isn't packaged and sold at Giant Eagle or Krogers. I guess when we have those gray clouds we need to look to the people in our lives to be our sunshine. We have to let the hugs that cover us from our kids, or spouses, or friends absorb our hurt and frustration. No, our problems won't just go away when we embrace the people we love, but sometime it makes the hurt hurt a little bit less, it makes the sadness a little easier to bare, and it reminds us that while love doesn't cure what ails us, it can carry us through till we're all better.

Now to make more Kool-aid and empty the trash can full of soaked paper towels. Thank you, Bounty!!!

Choosing My Attitude

2009-09-30T10:37:00.004-04:00

I'm going to admit as I start this entry, I have a selfish motivation behind it. I'm having a crappy morning. A REALLY crappy morning. My Prince Charming was less than charming this morning (although he'd probably say the same about me), we missed the school bus, I had to take the kids out in the rain to drop Elliot off at school, Nolan fell in a giant puddle...ugh! It has been one thing after another. Anyway, I'm hoping by the time I'm done typing this, I'll find a little peace and perspective.

Perspective. I think it is something we all need to look for from time to time. I don't mean we shouldn't get to have bad days or vent about our kid having a cough. We shouldn't DWELL on it though. So I had a bad morning. Too bad, Sara-Summer. GET OVER IT! There is still plenty of time for me to turn this day around.

We all get to make choices about how we are going to look at things and what we are going to do about those bumps in our day that can send us into a tailspin if we let them. I worked at Build-a-Bear on and off for a few years. While I was there we practiced something called the FISH! Philosophy. It is meant for the workplace, but I wonder how we could improve our roles as spouses and parents and even our own moods if we embraced it in everything we do.

The first of the four principles is Be There. This means being emotionally available for the people in your life. Think about how much we could show people we care and respect them by really listening and being there. Play is the idea of being creative in everything you do to really enjoy life and help those around you enjoy it! Make Their Day is about taking the time to do something extra for somebody, not for a reward or something in return, but just for the sake of showing them they matter. Finally, Choose Your Attitude. This is a good one for me right now. I'm going to cut and paste right from the website for this, "Choose Your Attitude means taking responsibility for how you respond to what life throws at you. Once you are aware that your choice impacts everyone around you, you can ask yourself, 'Is my attitude helping my team or my customers? Is it helping me to be the person I want to be?'"

As I go on with my day, I'm going to try to embrace the FISH! Philosophy. I think if we all tried to live like this the world (and my household) would be a much happier place.

Remembering Our Blessings

2009-09-28T09:38:00.005-04:00

It was without a doubt a fall morning in Pittsburgh. The sky was gray, there were off and on showers, and thousands of people were anxiously awaiting the start of the Great Race. The Great Race is a 10k, or 6.2 mile run through Pittsburgh, and is one of Pittsburgh great traditions. On top of a Pittsburgh tradition, it is a family tradition. I ran my first Great race with my dad when I was 6-years-old, and yesterday my 6-year-old daughter ran it with my dad and I.

The plan was for her to run as much as she could and we would walk when she needed. Was I surprised when that walk break never came. I was so proud of her and knew how blessed I was to be sharing that moment not just with my daughter, but with my father, too.

Not that I shouldn't be proud of her, but last night I had a bit of a reminder that I shouldn't just be proud, I should be grateful for what a gift it is that she was able to be there with me. Yesterday a spaghetti dinner was held to raise money for a local family who is going through something nobody should have to face. Both of their sons, ages 5 and 2, have a rare genetic disorder called Late Infantile Batten Disease. This disease robs children of their physical abilities as well as their vision and causes heartbreaking debilitation. Life expectancy can be anywhere from 8-12 years of age.

My husband used to play baseball with their father, Chris. When the dads would play ball, our oldest daughter would run around and play with their older son, Drew. Drew can no longer walk. I know it sounds silly, but I felt guilty yesterday knowing that Presley had run the Great Race and here was this BEAUTIFUL little boy in a wheel chair. It doesn't make much sense. Their younger son hasn't started showing symptoms yet, but the tests indicated that eventually he will.

I've said this in the past, and I hope you guys will take this with you today. When you look at your child, or niece, or nephew or whatever special child is in your life, don't ask WHY you are so blessed, ask how you can help people who may be facing challenges with their own children. If you can help financially, great. If you help by adding this family to your prayers at dinner time or bedtime, great. Here is a link to the website. Please take some time to read about this family and the challenging road that lays ahead of them. http://www.gradysallstars.com/

Elementary Open House

2009-09-24T11:27:00.003-04:00

John, this one is for you!

Tuesday night was open house at our oldest daughter's school. She was so excited to show us her classroom, school work and for us to meet all of her new friends. The reality was we went to her class and then went to the cafetorium for cookies, at which time she met up with her friends and all interaction with us came to a screeching halt!

Ironically, I saw more that night than me or my daughter anticipated, and it had very little to do with her classroom.

My husband and I moved to this community three short years ago. When we moved here we only knew one family, and even that one we were still just getting to know. As I walked around the school it seemed I knew somebody at every turn. Not only did I know people, but A LOT of these people have become friends. These are people who in such a short time have come to care about our family and have built relationships with my children.

What an amazing gift it is to have these people in my life. You don't realize when you first meet a person how they will play a role in your life. Our daughter's baseball coach, her teacher from last year, fellow parents who I've connected with...all these people who have come into our life by chance, but whom we've become friends with by choice. It is an amazing thing. It is truly a blessing.

It is a special thing to know you have people looking out for your child and who care. I don't mean to downplay my family and the extended family I have in my close circle of friends. I am ALWAYS grateful for what they bring to my life. I'm talking about the support system we may not always realize is there, It is something I don't take for granted. Take some time today to think about the great, unexpected friends in your life, and then thank God for these blessings. They really are a gift He has given us.

A thought for the day:

"It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard, impossible is not a word. It’s just a reason for someone not to try" - Kutless, What Faith Can Do

Find the Blessing in a Dirty Diaper

2009-09-22T21:19:00.003-04:00

I can't even tell you how many diapers I change a day between my two little princes! I can tell you it is a lot. A rough estimate would be 12-15 a day. Maybe. That isn't my point. Other than groaning because my little poop factory produced another whopper for me to clean up, changing diapers doesn't stress me out. Every wet or dirty diaper isn't a reminder of what I don't have or struggle to provide for my family.

There are SO many families struggling to get by, and these families have just as many diapers to change as a family with a solid balance in their checking account. Imagine leaving your kiddo in a wet diaper because you can't afford to change it every time they go. Imagine letting a wet diaper dry out and putting it back on your child.

This next part I'm stealing from pittsburghmom.com to pass on to you!

"I recently found out that diapers and wipes are not covered public assistance, food stamps, WIC, etc. And that cost of diapers runs nearly $100 per month per child.

Did you know that 39% of kids in Pennsylvania are living in "low income" families? That means there are a LOT of moms out there that are struggling to afford diapers.

I am organizing a "Diaper Drive" for the month of September. We will be collecting diapers in conjunction with the Greater Pittsburgh Food Bank. Just like a food drive, a diaper drive will allow people to donate one diaper from their diaper bag or a whole pack and drop them off at various locations throughout the city."

This was started by my friend, former professor and advisor, Heather Starr Fiedler at Point Park University. It is over in a week and it would be great to see as many people donate to this great cause. You can drop off diapers at the following locations:

Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium
Pittsburgh Toy Lending Library
E2Toys 2 Try
BounceU
National Aviary
Children's Museum of Pittsburgh

or make a donation at www.pittsburghdiaperdrive.org.

Thanks a lot!

The Strength To Carry On

2009-09-15T13:55:00.004-04:00

Somebody in my life who I love very, very much is having a hard time right now. My heart breaks for him. I wish I could make him smile. I wish I could give him the biggest hug ever. I wish I could take his problem, lift the hurt from his heart, crumble it up and throw it away forever.

I am in a great place in my life right now, even with some uncertainties I'm facing. The truth is, I didn't take the easy road getting here. Before being married to my Prince Charming, I was married to a real jerk. It was brief, miserable, but I won't say it was a mistake. Nothing that led me to my current life could have been a mistake. I was lost for a while after it all happened, though. At the time, I was so deep in hurt and confusion that it was hard to see what direction my life was going.

The amazing thing was, even when I didn't know where I was going, God did. Through the support and encouragement of my family I went back to college, where I met the love of my life and my best friend. God blessed me with amazing people. People who couldn't fix my problems, but who helped hold me up until I was strong enough to stand on my own. People who steered me straight until the fog cleared enough for me to see the amazing road God had laid before me.

When our friends and family have hard times, we need to be there the best that we can. We need to offer them support and strength and love. We also need to recognize our limits. We can't fix the problems of other people. As much as we love them, as much as we want to carry their burdens, we can't. We have to trust that God is with them, carrying them through.

Here is a lasting thought or today!

"Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert Schuller

Bumps and Bruises

2009-09-05T15:45:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days I probably would have been better off had I just stayed in bed...or a padded room...I would have gone either way! My eye has been giving me a lot of problems, so I finally caved and made my first ever appointment with the eye doctor, only to be told he couldn't find the problem. REALLY? After shining a light that I'm pretty sure was as bright as the sun in my eyes for 35 minutes, putting 38 different kind of drops in my eyes (I may be exaggerating a bit with 38), and making me sit through all of your corny eye jokes, you can't FIND the problem. GRRRRR!

I walked out of the office and, thanks to my dilated pupils, I couldn't see anything but unbearable brightness. Thank God I had my sunglasses. I got home and let out the dogs (who may or may not have been possessed by the devil at the time) only to have one of them slam my knee into the doorway. OUCH!!! Instant bruise and major swelling. Wonderful. Thanks for that.

To keep with my great day, in all my genius, I full forced smacked my hand on the lip of the counter. I don't know the last time I cried that hard. (or swore that loud) I had shooting pains up my arm, and for the second time that day, major swelling. Seriously? Serious?

So at this point you are probably sick of my pity party and ready for the point. I guess the point is that as bad as yesterday was, it was yesterday. It was the past. This is a new day with new possibilities. Sure, I still have 2 bruises and an eye driving me insane, but they don't make up my whole. They are just little pieces that remind me of yesterday.

We all have some bumps and bruises life has left on our bodies and our hearts. Some are on our souls, and all we can do is pray the God helps us find healing for those. As for the bruises that don't fully fade in time, they are the reminders we need in our life of who we are, where we've been, and how we've gotten to where we are in our lives today.

Happy thought for today!

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
-Max Planck, Nobel Prize-winning physicist

Gated Houses, Open Hearts

2009-08-30T08:39:00.002-04:00

A couple of days ago the kids and I jumped in the soccer-mom-mini van and headed out to fill up the gas tank then the grocery store to fill up the fridge. On our gas detour, we were stuck at a red light on a street we don't frequent. Next to the car was a large house with a gate in the drive way and a beware of dog sign. My oldest daughter, Presley, asked me why they had the gate and sign. I explained to her it was to keep unwanted people out. I explained that sometimes when people have a lot of nice things they need security.

Presley said to me, I bet you wish we had that house. I hesitated, and then began to explain how I feel. I don't wish that was my house. I am in a place in my life where I can in all honesty say I am completely happy with what I have. We have a house that while it may be overflowing with our endless amounts of junk, is also overflowing with love.

I told the kids that I have everything I could ask for, a husband and best friend who loves and respects me and four children who I love so much. My four-year-old daughter Elliot replied, "And your four kids love you so much." I wish there was a way to put the amazing way my heart filled when she said that. Someday, when they are parents, they will understand.

I don't spend my life pining for the material things some think will make thier lives complete. My life is complete at this very moment, and I believe it will only become more fulfilling to me as my family continues to grow in our love and appreciation of one another.

My happy thought for the day!

"Right now at this very moment we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness."
-Howard Cutler

Revelation 21:4

2009-08-25T10:00:00.002-04:00

REVELATION
God hath not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives through:
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.
But God hath promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labor,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love...
And God shall wipe away all tearsfrom their eyes.

Revelation 21:4

Softscrub and Blind Faith

2009-08-24T12:09:00.001-04:00

I was cleaning the kitchen yesterday and was in awe of how easily Softscrub was taking up the coffee stains and the fruit punch Kool-aid marks. (yes, I give my children Kool-aid, let the lashing begin) I couldn't help but think what it would be like to have Softscrub for our lives.

Imagine it, a simple answer that lifts our problems up and leaves it all smelling squeeky clean. I'm Catholic and believe in letting go and letting God, but I admit I'm not good at it. I have a hard time letting go of my anxiety and doing away with that sick feeling that has set up camp in my gut. Basically I don't mean the way God lifts up our problems, I mean goodbye, gone, you're on a rag in the washing machine kind of lifting up. Ya follow?

The reality is, even if we trust in God to carry us through our hard times, that doesn't mean we don't have to face them. We can't magically make everything okay. We can't take away a child's cancer, we can't mend a friend's broken heart, we can't offer financial security to a relative in the unemployment line. I guess all we can do is have that faith that God is with us as we face our problems, and look for Him in the faces of the people we love.

That is one of the great gifts we have in life, the blessing of friends and family. The hugs and encouragement, the kind words and prayers sent up to Heaven. I guess that is the silver linign in so many of life's problems, the realization of the people in our lives who will be there for us rain or shine. I have been blessed with so many of these people, and a day doesn't go by that I don't remember how lucky I am to have them.

Here's your positive thought for the day!

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~Author Unknown

Taking the Blogging Plunge

2009-08-22T21:05:00.000-04:00

Here I go, starting yet another blog in a cyberworld overrun with whiners, winners, psychos, pyscics and a million other things in between. I love to write but have avoided this medium to express the joys and woes I've faced. So what has brought me here today, turning to a computer screen and an infinate number of imaginary readers who I can pretend are intrigued by my not so glamorous, everyday life?

My family is facing a scary time that could really shake up our sense of security and displace us from our home sweet home. The thought of it sickens me and brings up the kind of anxiety I haven't faced in years. I decided this would be a great way to focus that energy, to express my feelings and maybe gain some encouragement.

The thing is, I like to belive I'm a pretty positive person. I want to believe this will turn out for the better. I want to believe the good guy wins. I want to believe in my happily ever after. Those happily ever afters happen. They do. So this is my plan. To stay positive I am going to come on here, vent the negatives and share with you the silver lining I find in the hurdles I face in my life. I hope I can help just one person learn to do the same.

Bare with me, I am new to this. Here is my happy thought I will leave you with tonight...

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire