Love Isn't Love till You Give It Away

After a week like this past one, I don't even know where to begin. There are a million things, a million thanks I would like to share with so many people. How can I though? How can I begin to explain to somebody the depth of my gratitude for loving my brother and trying to lessen the hurt consuming his heart?

The last several days haven't just been about hurting, though. They have also been a celebration and time to remember the wonderful way a beautiful young woman lived her life. I think we could all take some pointers from my sister-in-law, Deanna, and her positive outlook on life. Deanna lived her entire life with Cystic Fibrosis, but the Cystic Fibrosis wasn't her entire life. Deanna didn't sit around waiting to be sick again, or limiting her dreams because of it.

Noah also didn't let Deanna's disease limit his ability to love her. He didn't see the diagnosis as a definition of their relationship. A lot of people might not have been brave enough or giving enough to be able to enter a marriage and know the heartache the future would hold.

I've looked hard for a positive...a silver lining in all of this pain. I think there are a couple. One, Noah and Deanna always knew what tomorrow possibly held, so they got in as much love and living as they could. The reality is, none of really knows what tomorrow holds, so shouldn't we ALL live that way? I don't want to have regrets about things I never did with people or said to people who mean so much to me. I want to truly live my life rather than just get by with the life I have. I want to embrace each moment and celebrate the gifts I've been given.

The other positive thing I took away from all of this was the amount of love shown during the week. The number of people at the viewings was overwhelming, and I could truly feel the love in the room. My brother's friends flew in from Switzerland, California, Canada, Florida, New York...and there are more I'm probably missing. My brother and Deanna are so loved by so many. Unfortunately, it often takes a tragedy to see who loves us. It was uplifting for me to be a part of all that love. I believe all that love will carry Noah through the rough times ahead.

I don't know what the weeks, days, hours ahead hold for my brother as he continues the grieving process and moves into the healing phase. I am just grateful to know so many of you will be part of that journey with him. Please continue the prayers, and don't forget to tell the people you love how you feel.

Some Sunshine Peeking Through

Yesterday morning I had to go to my brother's house to find his suit to take to the dry cleaners. It might sound like an ordinary chore, but when the suit needs cleaned so he can bury his 30-year-old wife, there is nothing ordinary or okay about it. It isn't something a 27-year-old should have to face after only 2 1/2 years of marriage. It isn't fair and it really, really pisses me off. Really.

It pisses me off because they still had plans they never got to, dreams they hadn't realized and a lot of love still to share. They never even got to live in their own house together. My brother had been fixing it up to make it the home they envisioned. It is amazing how loud the quiet was as I walked through the rooms looking for his suit yesterday.

She was in a lot pain before she passed away, and I am grateful that her pain is over, but that is the only positive thing I can find in this tragedy. It hurts to see the amount of pain in my brother's eyes and know there is nothing I can do to take that suffering away. I can't make it better, but I know eventually the hurting will change for him, not go away, but change and he'll be able to see some good and some happiness again.

As I was driving to his house yesterday, there was a very ominous grey cloud straight ahead. I couldn't help but notice the contrast of the the stormy sky ahead of me and the blue skies and sunshine in my rear view mirror. It reminded me that the grey clouds always get blown away eventually, and we can always look forward to the sunshine that will find its way through. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but the day will come when the sunshine will warm my brother's face and heart again.

I know my brother has a very special angel watching over him, but please keep him in your prayers as well.

Learning to Love

I couldn't sleep last night at all. All I could think about was the two sisters from Pittsburgh, Jamie and Ali, who run the BRESMA orphanage in Haiti. These two amazing sisters who have had the opportunity to leave Haiti since the earthquake...they've had the opportunity to be home with water and food and medical care....they've had the opportunity to do the one thing nobody would fault them for doing, saving themselves. But have they, no. No, they face the scary reality of riots and no food and no water, because they refuse to leave the 150 children they are caring for in the yard of the orphanage.

There has been an amazing effort, started by Ginny of thatschurch.com, and fueled by the love and compassion that is Pittsburgh, to get both sisters and all of their children to the United States. It hasn't happened yet, and every day that it doesn't happen it becomes more terrifying. During the effort, somebody commented that it is short sighted for so many people to focus their energy on saving a few when there are so many in need. I've thought about that statement over, and over, and over.

There is a story of an old man walking along the shore throwing beached starfish back into the ocean. He is asked why bother, there are more than he can possibly save. He picks up one and replies that to that one starfish, it makes all the difference in the world. There are more people in Haiti that need help than we can possibly wrap our minds around. When I think about it, my heart hurts and my eyes swell with tears. We as a community cannot save or help all the people in Haiti. I think it is amazing, though, that there has been such an outpouring for this group of children that we MAY be able to save.

Also, I would love for those same negative minded people to call Jamie and Ali's family. Call them and ask them why we should bother putting so much effort and energy into a few people when there are so many more. I'm sure they could give you a plethora of reasons, a ton of stories and a million dreams of the girls' future that could change your mind.

Because we can't do everything, we should do nothing? I think not.

Next on my list...this idea that the United States should not be offering so much relief when we are plagued with problems back here at home. Really? Seriously people, pull your head out of your asses. Because I have financial problems and other stresses at my house, does that mean I shouldn't try to help my neighbor if his house catches fire? It would be a sad world to live in if our concerns did not extend past our own front door. I am proud to live in a country where we reach out to others. I don't always agree with some of the crap our government does. I'm just saying there is a reason we are the greatest country in the world!

Please, let's all keep praying for Jamie, Ali, the children and everyone in Haiti.

Say Cheese!

Regis and Kelly are running their annual cutest baby contest. Like every other parent in America, I am convinced that my babies are indeed, the cutest. I can't figure out yet why neither of my girls were ever in the running. Now that they've aged out, my attention is on my two beautiful boys. I decided today to focus on getting the perfect picture of my 2-year-old. I did his hair, I put on a cute little sweater, and pulled out the camera.

I probably took 30 pictures, most of which were out of focus because he was rushing over to the camera to check himself out. Or, he was doing this super cute, but not award-winning smile, where he scrunches up his face and shows off ALL of his teeth. I find it precious, but I think Regis and Kelly would say otherwise.

It now seems I may go with a different picture, from a different day when his hair was messy and he was wearing a t-shirt. It isn't staged or just right, but it is my little guy all the way.

I feel like this whole, stressful photography experience is just a metaphor for my life. I work to set things up the way I think they will work best. I do what I think will create the perfect outcome, but at the end of the day, I am always reminded that most aspects of life are out of my control. And that is okay, because sometimes it turns out the things we didn't plan for, like messy hair and a blue t-shirt, are exactly the right thing! All I can do really do is set it all up, and hope when the shutter releases there is something there worth framing!

Turn to Page 42

Remember when you were younger and you used to read those "choose your own adventure" books. I loved those. I always loved books in general, though. Anyway, remember how those always seemed to turn out, you'd choose to go down the pretty, tree lined path, only to have an ogre jump out and eat you...story over. It was great, though, because you could turn back and see what would have happened had you gone through the door in the tree, or gotten on the horse with the mysterious stranger. You could always go back to see where the story could have taken you.

Life if only half like that, I've realized. We have all these options...all these choices to make and adventures to choose. The thing is, normally we only get one shot. We can't turn back and know how our lives could have turned out had we chosen differently. It can be fun to think about, though.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. About small choices that could have made a big difference. About big choices that could have changed everything I know in my life now. No matter what scenario I imagine, though, nothing compares to the life I have now with my amazing husband and awesome kiddos. I really mean that. Not that I think sitting on the couch crocheting in my college sweats and watching television while my husband sleeps on the other side of the couch snoring is glamorous in any way, shape or form, but it is my life and I wouldn't change it.

I don't mean there aren't changes I can make to who I am to improve my life or better myself, but where I am in my life is exactly where I am meant to be. It is a great feeling to know that without any doubt. I hope there are a lot more adventures for me to choose in my life, and I know whatever choice I make will be the right one as long as I have my family with me.

"Life is the sum of all your choices." ~Albert Camus

New You Resolution

I'm going to be honest...I've never gotten the whole, "oh my gosh, this is so exciting, it is a new year" thing. I don't really do New Year's Eve. Call me boring, it's just not my thing. Don't get me wrong, we had a friend and his kids over for New Year's Eve to eat pizza, drink a few beers and play the Wii, but it didn't feel any different than a Friday night play date.

It is no secret that 2009 was not a stellar year for me. It definitely threw me some curve balls and presented me with some challenges. I'm still standing, though, so I guess it wasn't all bad. Going into this new year, I of course have hopes and goals and things to look forward to. This being said, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions.

For those of you who do, let me ask you, what difference does the date make? Why does it take a new calendar for you to commit to yourself? You deserve to know that every day you wake up, you have the ability to change yourself, improve your life and move forward. You don't need a ball to drop in Times Square to be worthy of putting yourself first and focusing on what matters most.

If you want a resolution, why not resolve to continually improve your life...to evaluate and prioritize EVERY day. Go ahead and go to the gym, or quit smoking, or improve your diet, or whatever you decided you would do in 2010. But don't sell yourself short, you are capable of doing great things in your life EVERY DAY!

Don't just make a New Year's resolution that fades as we move further away from January 1, make a New You resolution. You really are worth it!!!!!