Looking for Rainbows

Through December I just kept thinking that between the constant, unnamed grey cloud and Deanna being so sick, things were going to have to get better soon. Then the new year came, and with it we said good bye to Deanna and watched as Noah grieved, and continues to grieve. But still, that was awful, so things HAD to get better, right?

Well, the answer is no. The age old saying, "things can't get any worse" is plain old wrong.

About a month ago we learned that my mother has cancer. Bladder cancer to be exact. We still aren't certain of the stage and won't be until the surgery is complete and the pathology report is in. Regardless of the stage, this whole situation is terrifying. Tomorrow she undergoes surgery. And while I am very confident that her surgeon is one of the best in his field, I am scared none the less.

I ask that you all keep her in your prayers tomorrow as she goes into surgery and as she continues though her healing process.

I am so grateful the God blessed me with the family I have. We all continue to support Noah as he heals, we lean on each other in our fears and stresses, and we are all 100% behind our mother as she begins this scary chapter of her life. I know, though, that it will be a short chapter that will leave her a stronger woman in the end!

Garden Variety Therapy

I apologize for going AWOL again. I feel like I do that way too often on this blog. I haven't been absent all together from blogging...I've just been distracted from this blog and am making a vow to be better about it from here on out!

The reality is I have been a little obsessed about running, not being able to run, and my new website all about balancing motherhood and running. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, please take a minute and visit http://www.irunlikeamother.com/ It has been a lot of fun to get this started with my friend Heather!

Today isn't about running, though. I am attempting a new hobby and spent a huge chunk of time on it today. This summer, I am going to try out some gardening. The girls and I are going to plant and care for a vegetable garden. Before you ask, no, I do not play Farmville and that was not the inspiration behind this! I just think it would be a lot of fun to do this with my girls. I'm not dumb, though, I realize it will be mostly mommy with a little bit of the girls sprinkled in from time to time!

After a lot of thought about where we could put a garden in our yard that wouldn't be attacked by the deer, our neighbor agreed to let us use an overgrown garden in is yard set up by the previous owner. WOW! Talk about a mess! The weeds and grass and (YUCK!!!) massive amount of bugs and spiders kept me pretty busy and jumpy! But, alas, I got it all cleared so we can start the planning process!

I'm really looking forward to try my hand at gardening and seeing how it goes. I think it will be a good lesson for me. As a person who loves instant gratification from the things I do, gardening is going to force me to learn patience, which I need more of as a mom. It will teach me to pay close attention to all the details, where I sometimes have a habit of rushing through. There are so many areas in my life that I would like to improve on, and I'm counting on this garden being my therapy!

I am really hoping this garden will bring me more than some tomatoes and cucumber, I'm really hoping I will grow and learn as I watch these plants take root and grow.

Suck It Up, Sara-Summer

This phase, right now, this is what I was looking forward to the least. I can't stand the length my hair is right now. Don't like it even a little bit. My mom and a few other people have told me they like it like this, and I believe that maybe they really do. But I really don't. At all.

I don't feel attractive or feminine right now. Even with my "nice butt" jeans and a sexy top, I'm just not feeling it. I wish I were the type of person who didn't care at all, but unfortunately I do care. I don't care enough, though, that I regret shaving my head.

Every time I start getting really down about it, I remind myself why I did it. I had a choice. I picked how and when I was going to go bald. For 32 years I have been blessed with good health. What on Earth do I have to complain about? A fuzz head? So what? For the 46 children and the United States who are diagnosed EVERY DAY, they don't have a choice. How dare I complain about my hair when they are getting ready to start the hardest battle of their lives.

So when people look at me funny, or when I look at myself funny, I need to keep those kiddos in the front of my mind and in my heart.

Spring Has Sprung

It is so incredible to me that EVERY year, without fail, I am in awe of the beauty of spring. I watch the trees waiting to see a hint of green, then a blink and - BAM!!! - spring has sprung. Even after the most heinous of winters, the most miserable of months, like clockwork the trees deliver the promise of warmth and rebirth. Tree lined streets greet you with green and front yards look and smell heavenly with white and pink blossoms.


I'm not a fan of the jump from winter right into summer we had the last couple of weeks here in Pittsburgh, followed by a brief visit back to winter. I like to savor the changing of the seasons. I enjoy some time to reflect on what this transition means and what it is symbolic of in my own life. Anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I am one who likes to reflect and find a deeper meaning in the every day and the seemingly ordinary. Perhaps the most simple thing that always manages to make me grateful for my blessings is trees.

Trees? Yes, trees. Oak trees, Ash trees, Birch trees, Dogwood trees. You see, trees are very deceiving. They lose their leaves and are left bare, looking weak and beat by the long, bitter winters. And yet, come April, they show us time and time again while they may lie dormant, they are not done yet. They have more to give, more to share, more life to live. How many of us have found ourselves beat down by life? The bills we can't afford to pay; the nasty people who try to break our spirits; our own internal negativity trying to get the best of us?

It is these times when we feel like a mighty oak stripped bare and left naked in the February cold that we need to remember how strong the human spirit is. It is in the times when you most feel like giving up that you need to be your own spring. Find one thing to rejoice in...one thing to believe in...one ray of sunshine through the clouds. Then just wait and watch for the green to appear. Before you know it - BAM!!! - you have grown as a person and are stronger for it. Because you see, YOU have more to give, YOU have more to share, and YOU have much more life, a life of promises and joy, to live.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would no be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet

What Do You Run For?

After a very long hiatus I've gotten back to running. It is hard to understand why I stayed away as long as I did now that I'm back to pounding the pavement. It feels as natural as breathing and eating and writing. I can't believe I had forgotten how much a part of me running is.

As a mom, though, running is a lot more complicated than it used to be. Finding an hour to get away involves juggling several people's schedules and a lot of pleading for my husband to be home in time for me to make my escape. Then, after all the work to get out the door, I have to deal with the guilt of taking this time for myself. It is so annoying. Why should I feel guilty about one hour a few days a week to improve myself? And even though the answer is I shouldn't, I do. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he has to take all the kids to the soccer game because I'm running. I feel guilty that I missed the dinner I cooked and served before sneaking out the door. I feel guilty as I literally pry my two year old off of my leg. I feel guilty.

I don't think this problem is unique to me. I know a lot of moms who already feel like they are failing their children in some way. The ones who work feel guilty being away from their children while trying to provide. The ones who stay home wonder if they should be doing more to provide for their kids. It is a never ending internal battle on how to be the best for our kids. What I've started to realize though, to be the best for our kids, we sometimes need to recognize what is best for us.

I don't mean visiting the spa every day and ignoring your kids or anything like that. I simply mean by finding your own happiness and taking a little bit of time to work on you, you can become the mom your kids really need. I find myself less stressed out with the kids now that I'm running. I have more energy to play with them. I feel better about myself. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that my children will see me taking care of myself and hopefully learn to do the same.

So while it doesn't change the fact that the laundry is waiting or the toilet needs scrubbed, I run. I run for me. I run for my kids. I run for my marriage. Perhaps most importantly, I run for my sanity!

So This is 32?

April 5th is the one day a year I don't feel guilty sleeping in or letting somebody else unload the dishwasher. Today is my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who believes in broadcasting this for the sake of others wishing me well or anything of the sort. I'm just feeling reflective as I look back over my life and where my 32 years have brought me.

Last night on the way home from Easter dinner with my family, I was listening to oldies on the radio. Ever since I was in my teens, I've loved listening to the "Oldies Diner" Sunday nights on 3WS. I used to sit on the window ledge of my bedroom and listen to the music and think and write and dream. Last night a lot of that came rushing back to me. I can't help but marvel at how much my life has changed and how dreams I never knew I had have come true. My days of dreaming of Mike Joseph falling in love with me are gone, and are replaced with the hopes of my children finding happiness in their own lives.

In truth, I spent a lot of time in my teens battling depression. I know for a lot of people this may be an uncomfortable topic, but for me it is a reality I am neither ashamed of nor done facing. When I was 16 or 17, though, I didn't see depression the way I see it now. For a while I didn't realize that what I was feeling was depression. I actually believed that because I couldn't picture what my life would be like when I was older, that it was a future that wasn't meant to be. How silly I was!!! I didn't know I was silly then, though. I was sad, and scared and desperate. I hope that my own experience with this will help me be a better mom and aunt for the children in my life. I hope to be more aware and sensitive to how they may be feeling.

I know now that at 16 or 17 I couldn't picture my life at 32, because my life is more than I could have ever dreamed of!!! Where I am in my life now is beyond anything I could have imagined in that third floor bedroom. I am so grateful for the grace of God bringing me to where I am in my life today!

Be The Change You Want To See

If my thoughts could find a direct line from my brain to cyberspace, there would probably be about a thousand posts from the last one till now. My mind has been brimming with thoughts, arguments, convictions and inspiration. Unfortunately, the writing bug hadn't bitten, and so in my mind those thoughts remained. Now I hardly know where to begin to share the last month and a half.

It is crazy, but I feel like in a lot of ways I've changed since February. I really embraced my "New You" resolution, I've really embraced what it means to be in charge of my own life and my own happiness. I can't take all the credit, though. A lot of people and events have played into the me I am right now in this moment.

The most obvious change is physical...my hair is gone...I look like an adolescent little boy. Mine isn't a story of Samson, however. I feel like the loss of my hair has empowered me rather than stripped me down. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people staring makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not questioning myself. I am 100% behind why I did it, and feeling so good about that makes me care less about my appearance. I've said, I am more self aware right now, but definitely less self conscience.

The entire experience with St. Baldricks was beyond words. Other than the miracle of childbirth, I can't think of a single experience that has touched me and changed me so much. At the risk of sounding cliche, the energy in the room (or rather, in the tent) that day was incredible. Sitting in the chair looking out at the crowd of my husband and children, parents and brothers, best friends, good friends, cyberfriends, new friends and total strangers was a million times more emotional than I ever began to imagine. I held my picture of Dylan, the amazing little guy who inspired me throughout the entire shave, and knew that my nervousness didn't begin to compare to the complete fear him and his family have faced with his cancer.

As my hair fell, so did some tears. Not for the change, though, but rather for the enlightenment I was blessed with through my fundraising and experience meeting so many wonderful people. One shavee, Drew, gave me $550 of his donations to see me reach my goal. Another shavee shared with me the story of his little brother who died of cancer, and his promise to shave his head every year till they find a cure. This was Carl's 9th year going under the clippers. Eileen, the barber who shaved me, who does it every year because she genuinely cares about the cause and the other people it matters to.

It has been strange for my children, especially my 7-year-old. She is a little embarrassed of her mama for now, but when she is old enough to understand what I did and why I did it, I know it will be a valuable lesson for her.

There is a lot more I'd like to share, but if I did it all in one blog it would be never ending, so I will leave you with my quote of the day!

“It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.” -Francis Bacon Sr.