The #1 Rule We Should Be Teaching Our Children

"People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. Remember what you do echoes in eternity."

I read a heart-breaking story yesterday about a 15-year-old Connecticut boy who committed suicide after years of being bullied. The young man somehow got into the family's gun locker and took his young, precious life. Along with his life, the hopes and dreams his parents had for him were killed, the youth and innocence of his friends was taken, and a future that might have been amazing was snatched away in an instant.

This hurts my heart so very much.

The young man was from Poland and he was very tall for his age, 6 feet 3 inches. Apparently some classmates used these facts to tease and torture this poor kiddo over the years. After his first day of 10th grade, Bart Palosz couldn't take anymore.

We have helicopter parents who obsess over every homework assignment and call the teachers like it is their job. We have little league moms and dads who brawl with umpires and coaches. We even have some parents who buy beer for their high schoolers and drink with them on the weekend.

I think a lot of parents have mistaken "being involved" for good parenting. Parents get so busy pushing their children to be good students and good athletes, but how many are being taught to be good people? Kids are always watching us. ALWAYS. I have learned this lesson the hard way when my kids repeat something I said on the phone or to my husband when I thought we were having a private conversation.

This means how we talk to and about other people is how our children learn to talk to and about other people. How our children see us treat other people is how our kids learn to treat other people. Look back through your conversations and interactions over the last few days and think about the message you have been sending to your children.

One of the things I teach my kids is "it is nice to be smart and it is nice to be pretty, but the most important thing you can be is kind." It is so simple but really important. I would love to believe my kids are always nice. That they never get caught up in petty childhood arguments. I am not that naive. I do believe that more often than not, though, they are kind and compassionate.

There were two other stories I recently read on CNN. One was about a woman with a special needs son who was left a terrible, hurtful note by a neighbor saying the child should be "euthanized." The other article was about a woman out to eat with her special needs son who had a melt down. The note she got was the opposite. A stranger had paid their bill and sent a note saying "God gives special children to special people."

Of the two authors, whose children do you think are more likely to be kind, loving people.

I am going to leave you with the same challenge I leave my kids with every day before they get on the bus. Be kind to someone you don't know today. Smile at them. Pay them a compliment. I promise it will not only brighten their day, but yours as well!

The Goodbye Middle School Bus Stop Kiss (or lackthereof)

"A child's kiss is magic. Why else would they be so stingy with them." - Harvey Fierstein

On the first day of school, my oldest child, Presley, missed the bus to the middle school. I felt so bad for her. It was her first day of middle school and you could tell it killed her juju a bit. Don't get me wrong. My complete hatred of mornings has resulted in many missed busses for my kids over the years; just never on the first day.

She recovered quickly, as children typically do, and had a great first day.

I broke the rules of being a cool middle school mom, though, and on the second day of school I walked to the bus stop with her to make sure there were no issues. There were two other parents in their cars, but I was the only one bold enough to stand in the designated driveway and wait for the yellow bus to come barreling down the road.

As it came to a stop the kids formed their little line to get on, and my daughter turned and walked away.

But wait. Where was my kiss? She forgot to kiss me! As she got on the bus she turned and waved to me. She didn't notice I was trying my best to hold back tears of heartbreak and disappointment. She always kisses me! She isn't too grown up to hold my hand as we walk around the local amusement park. She tells me she loves me around her friends. So why all of a sudden do I not get a kiss before school?!?!

When she got home I teased her and asked her if she is suddenly too cool to kiss her mom at the bus stop and she just laughed.

This morning we were running around and she asked me to walk her to the bus again. I was very surprised and didn't feel much like going down there. My pregnant body has been pretty sore and I still had my pajamas on. However, I am never going to pass up on my "big girl" still wanting to be my "little girl" so I slipped on my flip flops and headed out the door.

Again I was the only mom down there. I told her she didn't have to stand with me and could go over with the other 10 or so children, but she was content hanging out with her mom, even if I did have pjs on!

As the bus pulled up, totally on her own, my beautiful daughter turned and kissed me good bye! Right in front of the other kids at the stop, right in front of the kids already on the bus. Then she hugged me and walked away.

I am so blessed I can't even begin to express it! It wasn't just a kiss. She was trying to make a statement to me by having me walk her to the stop and kiss me. She didn't need me to walk her the 100 yards to the stop. I would have been happy with the kiss goodbye at the front door. At only 10, though, she understood that her little public display of affection would tell me "I love you" louder and clearer than any note, text message or sky writing ever could!

A blog entry dedicated to her can't begin to compare with what she gave me this morning, but I hope I show her in enough other ways how much I love her and what she means to me!

The "F" Word

With four small kids around, I try to be very careful when I choose my words. Among the list of banned words in this house is the "f" word. Seems obvious, right? But you are probably thinking about the wrong "f" word. Guess again.

Fat.

Fat might seem like a strange word to add the obvious list of swear words and insults like stupid and hate. In my mind though, fat can do more damage than any of the other words, especially for two beautiful daughters.

It wasn't a totally banned word until about a year ago when my youngest son was at speech therapy. He has verbal apraxia and that day had been working on his ffffffff sound. One of the words they did in his session was fat. While transitioning to his next therapy, they passed a larger woman in the hall and Beckett innocently said, "She is fat." The therapist was mortified, I was mortified and Beckett was clueless. I felt so bad that this happened, but I used that opportunity to think about how that word is used and the many ways it can damage self-esteem.

We don't own a scale in our house and we never have. I have no plans of ever buying a scale for our house. I make a point to not say a dress or a pair of pants makes me look fat in front of my kids. (To my husband or texting my friends is a different story.) This isn't that I don't think it around them or I don't wonder about fluctuations in my weight, I just don't want my kids to know I think it.

We live in a society where overly skinny girls earn spots on magazine covers. Our society accepts the fact that these already tiny models are airbrushed to look even thinner than they already are. None of this is an opinion, it is all fact.

I have no expectations that I will be able to change these skewed standards we as a nation have come to recognize as normal. What I do have control over is what I teach my children about their own bodies. In our house, instead of talking about weight, we talk about health. Healthy eating, healthy choices, staying healthy through exercise...it is all about their health.

My college cross country coach used to check our body fat on a regular basis. More than once he told me I was too fat and needed to lose weight. He would criticize the team's meal choices. While he had a lot of redeeming qualities, his view on women and their weight was not one of them. I was fortunate enough that all of the insecurities I've always had, my body image has never been one of them.

As parents I think it is an easy formula to shelter our children from developing these issues. First, don't keep a scale in the house that they know about. If you really want one, keep it somewhere in your room. Two, make healthy meal choices so they learn what healthy eating looks like. That doesn't mean fast food never happens, it just needs to be done in moderation. Three, be active and keep them active. Let your kids try a variety of sports until they find the right one for them. Don't let it end there. Take time to be active together. Whether it is taking evening walks or a family bike ride. Four, watch your language. When they hear you complain about your body or criticize somebody else, you are sending them a negative message. Instead, if you are having a "fat day" talk about feeling the need to work out.

We get to be the number one influence in our children's lives if we choose to be. We can build their wall of confidence so strong that no classmate, commercial or magazine cover can destroy it. Let's teach them to put more weight in who they are than what they weigh!

What Defines a Super Mom?

I am a stay-at-home, pregnant mother of four of the most beautiful, intelligent, well-behaved children in the world. (I may or may-not be biased.) Even biased, I had to cross well-behaved off the list. I adore them and they are my universe, but I am not foolish enough to believe these little munchkins have halos following them around.

Kind of like baseline testing for concussions, I think baseline stress level testing would be interesting. If such a thing existed, my stress level right now would measure off the charts. Way off. My hubby and I are fortunate enough that we were able to take my mother-in-law in during a transition period in her life. It makes me feel good that we have been able to provide this for her, but it is never easy adding another adult to a full household.

As I already said, we have four children, plus there is my husband and I, our two large dogs, our cat and the three guinea pigs. We live in a small, split entry house with three bedrooms and a game room converted into bedroom number four. Needless to say, it is close quarters.

Combine the stress of adding another person to the mix, a high risk pregnancy and a summer of four very busy children, and I don't know many people who wouldn't be stressed. Two of my favorite stress relievers are wine (which clearly is not an option) and running (which is a lot harder than it was pre-baby bump). Basically I've taken three paragraphs to tell you I'm stressed. Very, very stressed.

Yesterday I had to run errands with all four kiddos. My husband was out of town helping his mother move some items and so me and the gang were crammed into his small, 2-door Kia Forte Coupe. The 8-year-old and the two 5-year-olds (Irish twins, not actual twins) were in the back seat and just.would.not.stop.

He touched her. She looked at him. He breathed in my direction. For the love of Pete it was nonstop bickering.

I started by asking them nicely to stop. I asked again. I reminded them of the fun evening I had planned. I asked again, a little bit louder. I stopped asking and told them they needed to quit. I begged. I cried. And then, after 20 minutes of non-stop misbehaving, I flipped out. I grew horns and started spitting fire and morphed from loving mommy to the big, bad mommy-monster.

They shut up fast.

The rest of the errands were normal stressful without any more major flip outs by them or by me.

When we got home I made them the special "shark dinner" I had planned for a fun-filled night of cheesy Syfy movies and family time. We enjoyed our fish fillets, lifeguard guts (cheesy hash browns) and surfer eyeballs (grapes). We drank our "blood in the water" beverages (cherry pop) and finished the evening with blood and gut sundaes (ice cream with whipped cream and strawberry sauce).

I shared the plan on Facebook and a few people commented on what a good mom I am. Somebody even called me "super mom". Super mom? I went psycho on my kids just hours earlier. I didn't raise my voice. I full on YELLED. I yelled so much my youngest told me he doesn't love me when I get mad.

So I wonder, what makes somebody a super mom or a super dad? Is it doing fun things? Is it never losing your cool? Is it giving your kids their own way?

I think super mom is really just doing the best you know how and continually learning to do better. I think being a super mom is loving your kids unconditionally. And, when I start feeling bad about my "less than super mom" moments, I try to think back to my book, The World According to Mister Rogers. In it, he says that parents teach their kids an important lesson when we let them see us as parents have a whole range of emotions - anger, joy, sadness - and still love our children through all of those other emotions.

I don't know if I am a super mom or just a mom doing the best I know how...but I do know I love my children with all my heart and soul. Whatever that makes me, I will take!

The Imaginary Safe Haven

I'd like to review what happened and what did not happen when Adam Lanza opened fire in Sandy Hook Elementary. Unimaginable tragedy struck. Evil showed its face. The unthinkable happened to 26 families.

What didn't happen, though, is the world did not change. Our children did not become less safe than they were Friday morning when we all kissed our little ones good-bye and sent them off to school.

No, the world did not change. Rather, our perception of where our children are safe was shattered. Our sometimes sheltered view of the world shifted. We can no longer niaevely believe that our kids walk into a magical fortress that protects them from the evils of the world when the school doors close behind them; shutting math books, pig tails and lunch boxes into this safe haven.

Last month in Pittsburgh two children, 7 and 9, were struck by an out of control driver while playing in their front yard. One of the children passed away. Twenty beautiful, innocent children were shot while doing what every child in America does every day. Kids are sometimes snatched from their bedrooms by intruders. There is nowhere and nobody immune to reality.

Yes, our hearts break for those children killed and the entire community who is mourning them. I couldn't stop hugging my 7 and 9 year old girls when they came home from school Friday afternoon.

Yesterday I was very angry when I learned in reaction to the tragedy my childrens' elementary school has decided to limit what parents can go to the holiday party this Friday. According to the principal the decision is the right one to protect the kids.

Protect the kids.

What are we protecting them from? From the party moms bearing teacher gifts and holiday treats? I feel that all we are doing by changing what they have always known is telling them they aren't safe. Last Friday it was proven any person can get into a school at any time if that is what they want. They don't need to come in through the front door.

While we as adults may realize we can never completely protect our kids, they don't have to know that. Part of our job is to make them feel safe.

There has been a major police presence at their school lately; Friday for the holiday concert, yesterday for gingerbread houses, in the parking lot at morning drop-off. The kids have noticed this. How do I explain to my kids that they are safe when they are seeing police at the school and learning that I cannot be there. They aren't dumb. They see what is happening.

This isn't about whether or not I get to go to the party, though. It is about the bigger picture. It is about how we collectively choose to respond to the tragedy. Knee jerk reactions and sudden policy changes are not going to be a solution.

We need to talk about adequate services for the mentally ill and their families. We need to talk about responsible and appropriate gun control as well as gun safety and education.

Also, maybe there should be a change in the party policy. Maybe things should change in the schools. Let's take a minute to step back and think about it, though, rather than react. Let's plan. Let's discuss. Let's work together to create a safer, saner world.

A Bit of a Bummer

I have a revelation that is quite disappointing to my optimistic self...the good guy does NOT always win. I guess I really knew this all along, but deep down in my heart lives a childlike naivety that wants to believe things happen the right way in this world.

I'm having a had time right now struggling with facing this reality while not giving up the positive way I try to live my life. I am very blessed to have an amazing support system that listens to me vent and cry. (They get the less positive part of me quite often, but love me anyway.)

I think the best way to deal with all of this is to let it be a reminder to me to raise my children in a loving way...to teach them kindness over greed, and compassion over self indulgence. I want my children to learn that life doesn't always go the way you want it to, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel to somebody else.

Recently my middle school principal passed away. While we all giggled about the daily announcement he made every morning, all these years later his words still ring true. Every day he would tell us, "Character is who you are when no one is watching." I like who I am alone or surrounded by others. I am raising children who can feel the same.

The good guy may hove lost this battle...but in my life when I reflect back, I will be the winner because I will have loving people in my life, I will have children I can be proud of, and I won't need to question what motives drove me through my life.

Big Bad Bullies

I just took a poll on CNN.com asking if I'd ever been bullied. The options were "A little", "A lot" or "Never." Do you believe that only 20% of the 120,000 people who participated said they have never been bullied? My answer was "A little." What would yours be?

I think a more important question is what can we do as parents, teachers and a community to prevent our children from feeling the effects of being bullied and more so, prevent them from bullying anyone else. Growing up is so hard and often difficult to understand without having to worry about other people teasing or criticizing you for just being yourself. On top of the regular turbulence most kids feel, you never know who may be dealing with depression or struggling with issues like sexual identity or a bad home life. It is a recipe for disaster.

As a mom, my plan is to always speak very openly to my children about the wide variety of people it takes to make the world go round. I want them to learn acceptance and to not be afraid to stand up for other kids. I know Elliot will have no problem with this. My older daughter, Presley, is a lot more easily influenced and I worry a lot about her.

I also plan on sharing with them about my own battle with depression once they are old enough to understand. I will share with them about being teased because my pants were too short in German class in eighth grade. I will share with them about the girl who tormented me because of my name in high school. I will share how miserable it all made me feel, and while as an adult I still remember that hurt, I am only a stronger, more compassionate person because of it.

I believe that really the best thing we can do to with our kids is to talk, talk and talk some more. I also believe that cell phones and Facebook accounts are not meant to be kept private from parents. I realize this will be an unpopular opinion once my kids are old enough to have all of this, but I will read texts and I will have passwords. This might make me "the worst mom ever," but I'll take that risk for the sake of having healthy, safe and kind children.