Autumn Remembrance

I love autumn. I love the beautiful colors that paint the Pennsylvania hillsides. I can't get enough of the smell of the leaves, either. I know...I'm odd. Once upon a time I was a cross country runner and we were a fall sport. That is probably why I come down with an overwhelming urge to run all September and October long. I love making soup and stew and grilled cheese...all those delicious comfort foods that taste a little bit better as the temperature starts to drop this time of year.

As much as I love fall, it is also a sad time of year for me. Last year my family lost three members, my grandfather in September, my aunt in October and my uncle in November. The October before last we lost my other uncle to his battle with cancer. I haven't figured out when you stop missing somebody so much that it hurts.

This past weekend the hospice group that helped care for my aunt and uncle in their final days held a memorial for the patients lost over the last year. It was so nice to hear their names read aloud. That may seem strange, but my aunt and uncle's only child died twenty years ago. They didn't have any immediate family. It was so nice to have them recognized...to have somebody else acknowledge that they did exist and they did matter.

I know a lot of us have lost people close to us...in fact I don't know many people who haven't lost somebody they love. If you would like to leave a comment and share a memory of somebody still in your heart, or just share their name, it would be nice to recognize and celebrate these loved ones together. I think sometimes there is comfort in knowing we don't mourn our loved ones alone.

My grandmother had this poem on a small picture that hung in her kitchen. I always found a little bit of peace in it.

I cannot say, and will not say
That she is dead. She is just away.
With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand,
She has wandered into an unknown land
And left us dreaming how very fair
It needs must be, since she lingers there.
And you-oh, you, who the wildest yearn
For an old-time step, and the glad return,
Think of her faring on, as dear
In the love of there as the love of here.
Think of her still as the same. I say,
She is not dead- she is just away.

My Personal Perfect Storm

I hate to blame anyone else for my current state of frustration, but it is so much easier than blaming myself. Problem number one is I know I am slightly sensitive. Okay...my family can stop rolling their eyes now...I am very sensitive. I always have been and I'm guessing I always will be. Problem number two is I've always needed validation from other people. I HATE that about myself. I really do and I've tried so hard to change it, but low and behold, I'm 31 and still need that "good job kiddo" I needed when I was five.

The two problems combine to create the perfect storm, I don't get the validation I need and I, in my oversensitive state of mind, assume the worst. Or, God forbid, somebody say something less than positive and I jump on the defensive...ready to go into battle...ready to dual till the death. Okay, now I'm exaggerating, but I think you get the idea.

So now that I've put my photography out there in its very own blog, summercreationsphotography.blogspot.com, I sort of feel like I'm walking downtown in the middle of the road butt naked. This is not a cheap attempt for praise. I just feel anxious, nervous and more oversensitive than normal. Although I felt very much the same when I started this blog. What is it about sharing ourselves that makes us SO vulnerable. I've done so much in my life to be proud of. I have four beautiful children, a great marriage, and I believe I live my life in the best possible way. And yet, what? Why do I need anybody else to validate me when I've done so much I'm already proud of?

I know I'm not going to magically change and not care what other people think, even though I sometimes pretend I don't. I plan to continue working on my own outlook on things. I hope as I continue to write and take pictures I will continue to grow in my self confidence. I would rather hope for this personal growth than to stop sharing, to stop putting myself out there, to stop inviting you in.

I'm going to leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes. I hope you will remember it if you ever have your own perfect storm of insecurity and sensitivity.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Little Things Make the Big Difference

I'm stressed multiplied by 10. I should not be sitting here pecking away at the keyboard. My house is a disaster, the dirty laundry pile is overflowing up the stairs and my mother-in-law is coming for a visit tomorrow. Needless to say, I will be scrambling to get this house in order in time. (I can read your mind, Roberta, but yes, I do plan on cleaning for you coming so please don't tell me not to bother on your behalf!)

As overwhelmed as I am, I have found a bit of relief this morning. You will probably think I'm crazy, but my happiness is steaming in the mug sitting next to me. Coffee. Not just any coffee, Maxwell House Lite with two sugars and...here it is...peppermint mocha creamer. Oh it is SO good. It is also the inspiration for today's post. It really got me thinking how the little things can make an otherwise chaotic world feel doable.

Sometimes when the people around us do little things, it is a huge reminder that somebody cares. A noontime phone call from your spouse to see how your day is going...it only takes a few minutes, but how nice to know somebody is thinking about you. An unexpected card...a plate of cookies...a bottle of wine. There are so many little things we can do to brighten some body's day.

One of my favorite pick-me-ups is the pictures my children color for me. They LOVE to draw pictures and write me notes. They may not be Picasso, but when I look at their artwork I don't need to see perfection, I see love. Inside the lines, outside the lines, misspelled words...I love it no matter what! I don't think this is true of just my kids' artwork. People don't care if you are perfect as long as they know you care.

I have a homework assignment that I hope you will all take the time to think about and do. What little thing can you do for somebody to make a big difference in their day? We don't always get to see the fruit of our labor, but that isn't why we do it anyway!

I thought this was a great quote to keep in mind as you think about what you can do for somebody in your life!

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." ~ Kahlil Gibran

Couch Cushions, Blankets and Lots of Love

Growing up I lived in a really great neighborhood. Next to our house was a side walk that led to path that led to an alleyway that led me right to my friend Kelly's house. A bunch of us would meet there and play kick the can or go a few doors down for a game of knockout. It was great.

One of my all time favorite things to do at Kelly's house, though, was to build a fort. Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson were so great with us tearing apart their game room for the purpose of those awesome childhood forts of couch cushions and blankets. Of course, I didn't appreciate it at the time, but now as a mom who is constantly reconstructing my own couch after the kids build one, I get what a pain it can be.

As a child, anything was possible in the security of that fort. I could be a princess in a castle waiting to be saved, I could the captain of a ship, steering my vessel through choppy water...the possibilities were endless. Watching my own children play and create, I see how valuable the days of carelessness and limitless possibilities are. Someday, they'll know that even the most beautiful princesses don't get to happily ever after without a lot of heartache along the way. Someday they'll realize couch cushions and blankets aren't an unpenetratable fortress, that the problems of life find their way in.

This is my hope, though. I hope that Joe and I are able to teach them that heartache will happen, but broken hearts can be mended. I hope they know that none of life's problems are bigger than their parents love for them. I hope they know that they might not get to be a princess, but they can be a doctor, or a meteorologist, or a mom or a teacher or whatever they set their minds to.

And I want them to remember, even when they are 31 and are frustrated as they put the cushions back on the couch for the umpteenth time, that while those living room forts can't keep those problem of life out, they can hold SOOOO much love in. Every once in a while, I think we all need to crawl into a fort and find that child that still lives within us!!!

The Quicker Picker Upper

Breath in...now out.

Let's see if I can collect my thoughts and emotions long enough to write a long overdue post! I wish I could report everything has been so wonderful that I haven't needed to write and find my "ah ha moments" on here, but sadly I have just been crazy busy and uninspired.

I took a blow yesterday with my original issue that brought me here to share and seek some sunshine, and haven't been able to shake that gray cloud that seems to be hovering above me since. No need for concerned emails and phone calls...I'm fine and will continue to be fine because I haven't lost sight of the blessings in my life. Being fine, though, doesn't mean I can't have moments of self pity and frustration.

We all know the way it goes, though. You feel down about one thing and everything else just starts going wrong. You get stuck behind a dump truck while rushing to pick your daughter up from preschool. (Sorry Ellsie Bells) Your 2-year-old finds your wallet and dumps it, leaving you scrambling to gather up the change before the baby eats it. (I made it just in time to pull the quarter from his little mouth) The dog runs in before you have time to clean off her mud covered paws, leaving wonderful little prints all through the kitchen.

And then, the pièce de résistance, I open the fridge to get out the milk to finish the macaroni and cheese for the three kids in the next room screaming for food like they had NEVER eaten, only for the 2-quart pitcher of Kool Aid to fall, soaking my jeans and sending a tidal wave of purple sweetness across the tile floor. In case the mess wasn't enough, the kiddies came running into the kitchen to see why mommy was screaming, stepping in the mess and spreading it further.

Back to breath in...now out.

I actually remained pretty calm, returned the kids to the family room and flipped on Ratatouille to distract them. I grabbed a roll of paper towels and began to soak it up, rushing to the grape flavored river about to travel under the fridge. As I tore square after square and watched as it soaked up my spill, I began to fantasize about mega paper towels that can soak up life's problems. Sure, these little squares are great for Kool-Aid and milk, but imagine such a simple fix for those curve balls life throws our way that we can't simply wipe away.

I guess in some way we do have that. It just isn't packaged and sold at Giant Eagle or Krogers. I guess when we have those gray clouds we need to look to the people in our lives to be our sunshine. We have to let the hugs that cover us from our kids, or spouses, or friends absorb our hurt and frustration. No, our problems won't just go away when we embrace the people we love, but sometime it makes the hurt hurt a little bit less, it makes the sadness a little easier to bare, and it reminds us that while love doesn't cure what ails us, it can carry us through till we're all better.

Now to make more Kool-aid and empty the trash can full of soaked paper towels. Thank you, Bounty!!!