This phase, right now, this is what I was looking forward to the least. I can't stand the length my hair is right now. Don't like it even a little bit. My mom and a few other people have told me they like it like this, and I believe that maybe they really do. But I really don't. At all.
I don't feel attractive or feminine right now. Even with my "nice butt" jeans and a sexy top, I'm just not feeling it. I wish I were the type of person who didn't care at all, but unfortunately I do care. I don't care enough, though, that I regret shaving my head.
Every time I start getting really down about it, I remind myself why I did it. I had a choice. I picked how and when I was going to go bald. For 32 years I have been blessed with good health. What on Earth do I have to complain about? A fuzz head? So what? For the 46 children and the United States who are diagnosed EVERY DAY, they don't have a choice. How dare I complain about my hair when they are getting ready to start the hardest battle of their lives.
So when people look at me funny, or when I look at myself funny, I need to keep those kiddos in the front of my mind and in my heart.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Spring Has Sprung
It is so incredible to me that EVERY year, without fail, I am in awe of the beauty of spring. I watch the trees waiting to see a hint of green, then a blink and - BAM!!! - spring has sprung. Even after the most heinous of winters, the most miserable of months, like clockwork the trees deliver the promise of warmth and rebirth. Tree lined streets greet you with green and front yards look and smell heavenly with white and pink blossoms.
I'm not a fan of the jump from winter right into summer we had the last couple of weeks here in Pittsburgh, followed by a brief visit back to winter. I like to savor the changing of the seasons. I enjoy some time to reflect on what this transition means and what it is symbolic of in my own life. Anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I am one who likes to reflect and find a deeper meaning in the every day and the seemingly ordinary. Perhaps the most simple thing that always manages to make me grateful for my blessings is trees.
Trees? Yes, trees. Oak trees, Ash trees, Birch trees, Dogwood trees. You see, trees are very deceiving. They lose their leaves and are left bare, looking weak and beat by the long, bitter winters. And yet, come April, they show us time and time again while they may lie dormant, they are not done yet. They have more to give, more to share, more life to live. How many of us have found ourselves beat down by life? The bills we can't afford to pay; the nasty people who try to break our spirits; our own internal negativity trying to get the best of us?
It is these times when we feel like a mighty oak stripped bare and left naked in the February cold that we need to remember how strong the human spirit is. It is in the times when you most feel like giving up that you need to be your own spring. Find one thing to rejoice in...one thing to believe in...one ray of sunshine through the clouds. Then just wait and watch for the green to appear. Before you know it - BAM!!! - you have grown as a person and are stronger for it. Because you see, YOU have more to give, YOU have more to share, and YOU have much more life, a life of promises and joy, to live.
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would no be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet
I'm not a fan of the jump from winter right into summer we had the last couple of weeks here in Pittsburgh, followed by a brief visit back to winter. I like to savor the changing of the seasons. I enjoy some time to reflect on what this transition means and what it is symbolic of in my own life. Anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I am one who likes to reflect and find a deeper meaning in the every day and the seemingly ordinary. Perhaps the most simple thing that always manages to make me grateful for my blessings is trees.
Trees? Yes, trees. Oak trees, Ash trees, Birch trees, Dogwood trees. You see, trees are very deceiving. They lose their leaves and are left bare, looking weak and beat by the long, bitter winters. And yet, come April, they show us time and time again while they may lie dormant, they are not done yet. They have more to give, more to share, more life to live. How many of us have found ourselves beat down by life? The bills we can't afford to pay; the nasty people who try to break our spirits; our own internal negativity trying to get the best of us?
It is these times when we feel like a mighty oak stripped bare and left naked in the February cold that we need to remember how strong the human spirit is. It is in the times when you most feel like giving up that you need to be your own spring. Find one thing to rejoice in...one thing to believe in...one ray of sunshine through the clouds. Then just wait and watch for the green to appear. Before you know it - BAM!!! - you have grown as a person and are stronger for it. Because you see, YOU have more to give, YOU have more to share, and YOU have much more life, a life of promises and joy, to live.
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would no be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet
Friday, April 9, 2010
What Do You Run For?
After a very long hiatus I've gotten back to running. It is hard to understand why I stayed away as long as I did now that I'm back to pounding the pavement. It feels as natural as breathing and eating and writing. I can't believe I had forgotten how much a part of me running is.
As a mom, though, running is a lot more complicated than it used to be. Finding an hour to get away involves juggling several people's schedules and a lot of pleading for my husband to be home in time for me to make my escape. Then, after all the work to get out the door, I have to deal with the guilt of taking this time for myself. It is so annoying. Why should I feel guilty about one hour a few days a week to improve myself? And even though the answer is I shouldn't, I do. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he has to take all the kids to the soccer game because I'm running. I feel guilty that I missed the dinner I cooked and served before sneaking out the door. I feel guilty as I literally pry my two year old off of my leg. I feel guilty.
I don't think this problem is unique to me. I know a lot of moms who already feel like they are failing their children in some way. The ones who work feel guilty being away from their children while trying to provide. The ones who stay home wonder if they should be doing more to provide for their kids. It is a never ending internal battle on how to be the best for our kids. What I've started to realize though, to be the best for our kids, we sometimes need to recognize what is best for us.
I don't mean visiting the spa every day and ignoring your kids or anything like that. I simply mean by finding your own happiness and taking a little bit of time to work on you, you can become the mom your kids really need. I find myself less stressed out with the kids now that I'm running. I have more energy to play with them. I feel better about myself. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that my children will see me taking care of myself and hopefully learn to do the same.
So while it doesn't change the fact that the laundry is waiting or the toilet needs scrubbed, I run. I run for me. I run for my kids. I run for my marriage. Perhaps most importantly, I run for my sanity!
As a mom, though, running is a lot more complicated than it used to be. Finding an hour to get away involves juggling several people's schedules and a lot of pleading for my husband to be home in time for me to make my escape. Then, after all the work to get out the door, I have to deal with the guilt of taking this time for myself. It is so annoying. Why should I feel guilty about one hour a few days a week to improve myself? And even though the answer is I shouldn't, I do. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he has to take all the kids to the soccer game because I'm running. I feel guilty that I missed the dinner I cooked and served before sneaking out the door. I feel guilty as I literally pry my two year old off of my leg. I feel guilty.
I don't think this problem is unique to me. I know a lot of moms who already feel like they are failing their children in some way. The ones who work feel guilty being away from their children while trying to provide. The ones who stay home wonder if they should be doing more to provide for their kids. It is a never ending internal battle on how to be the best for our kids. What I've started to realize though, to be the best for our kids, we sometimes need to recognize what is best for us.
I don't mean visiting the spa every day and ignoring your kids or anything like that. I simply mean by finding your own happiness and taking a little bit of time to work on you, you can become the mom your kids really need. I find myself less stressed out with the kids now that I'm running. I have more energy to play with them. I feel better about myself. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that my children will see me taking care of myself and hopefully learn to do the same.
So while it doesn't change the fact that the laundry is waiting or the toilet needs scrubbed, I run. I run for me. I run for my kids. I run for my marriage. Perhaps most importantly, I run for my sanity!
Monday, April 5, 2010
So This is 32?
April 5th is the one day a year I don't feel guilty sleeping in or letting somebody else unload the dishwasher. Today is my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who believes in broadcasting this for the sake of others wishing me well or anything of the sort. I'm just feeling reflective as I look back over my life and where my 32 years have brought me.
Last night on the way home from Easter dinner with my family, I was listening to oldies on the radio. Ever since I was in my teens, I've loved listening to the "Oldies Diner" Sunday nights on 3WS. I used to sit on the window ledge of my bedroom and listen to the music and think and write and dream. Last night a lot of that came rushing back to me. I can't help but marvel at how much my life has changed and how dreams I never knew I had have come true. My days of dreaming of Mike Joseph falling in love with me are gone, and are replaced with the hopes of my children finding happiness in their own lives.
In truth, I spent a lot of time in my teens battling depression. I know for a lot of people this may be an uncomfortable topic, but for me it is a reality I am neither ashamed of nor done facing. When I was 16 or 17, though, I didn't see depression the way I see it now. For a while I didn't realize that what I was feeling was depression. I actually believed that because I couldn't picture what my life would be like when I was older, that it was a future that wasn't meant to be. How silly I was!!! I didn't know I was silly then, though. I was sad, and scared and desperate. I hope that my own experience with this will help me be a better mom and aunt for the children in my life. I hope to be more aware and sensitive to how they may be feeling.
I know now that at 16 or 17 I couldn't picture my life at 32, because my life is more than I could have ever dreamed of!!! Where I am in my life now is beyond anything I could have imagined in that third floor bedroom. I am so grateful for the grace of God bringing me to where I am in my life today!
Last night on the way home from Easter dinner with my family, I was listening to oldies on the radio. Ever since I was in my teens, I've loved listening to the "Oldies Diner" Sunday nights on 3WS. I used to sit on the window ledge of my bedroom and listen to the music and think and write and dream. Last night a lot of that came rushing back to me. I can't help but marvel at how much my life has changed and how dreams I never knew I had have come true. My days of dreaming of Mike Joseph falling in love with me are gone, and are replaced with the hopes of my children finding happiness in their own lives.
In truth, I spent a lot of time in my teens battling depression. I know for a lot of people this may be an uncomfortable topic, but for me it is a reality I am neither ashamed of nor done facing. When I was 16 or 17, though, I didn't see depression the way I see it now. For a while I didn't realize that what I was feeling was depression. I actually believed that because I couldn't picture what my life would be like when I was older, that it was a future that wasn't meant to be. How silly I was!!! I didn't know I was silly then, though. I was sad, and scared and desperate. I hope that my own experience with this will help me be a better mom and aunt for the children in my life. I hope to be more aware and sensitive to how they may be feeling.
I know now that at 16 or 17 I couldn't picture my life at 32, because my life is more than I could have ever dreamed of!!! Where I am in my life now is beyond anything I could have imagined in that third floor bedroom. I am so grateful for the grace of God bringing me to where I am in my life today!
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