The Breaking Point

I visited somewhere this weekend I don't like to go often...the breaking point. I've been trying so hard for months to file away all my stresses in an orderly fashion...the cars barely hanging on, the dog with the gross tail, my mother-in-law's illness, the giant grey cloud that remains nameless...the list goes on and on. Since August I've been coming here as a much needed outlet and a place to find perspective. At some point, though, enough gets to be enough.

Saturday my beautiful 4-year-old daughter cut her hair. Not a cute little trim...she cut it off. Her bangs are about an inch long and stick straight out. On the left side her hair doesn't go past her ear. She is still beautiful. It is just hair. The list of cliches to make me feel better about it goes on and on. I know all of these things are true, but it doesn't change the fact that a pair of scissors and one cute little kiddo sent me over the edge.

What do you do when you are so overwhelmed and feel like you are drowning and can't seem to find a life raft to grab on to? What do you do when you can feel the anxiety and panic in your chest, because every time you turn around there is just one more thing not going right? What do you do when you really have no clue when it will all start getting a little bit easier?

Here is what I did. First, I yelled at my girls...Elliot for cutting her hair, Presley for watching her do it. Then I cried. Then I cried some more. Then I realized that all the yelling and crying in the world weren't going to fix the list of things going wrong. I also realized that all these little hiccups, as stressful as they may be, aren't enough to break me. I grabbed the remote crontrol, went to "On Demand" and we had a family movie night complete with pizza and Monsters vs. Aliens. The kids laid on the floor with their favorite pillows and blankets, and the six of us laughed and cuddled and enjoyed being a family.

Family movie night didn't make my problems go away, but it did make them disappear for a little while. As for the chaos that is turning into my life, I guess I just need to deal with it one problem at a time, and not lose faith that it will all be better soon. And if sooner turns into later, at least I have an amazing family to see me through.

Loving the Sunshine

I'm not sure about the rest of the country, but Pittsburgh has had the most beautiful fall I can ever remember. The sun has been shining, the temperature has been comfortable...it has been amazing. I've needed the sunshine. It is a good pick-me-up, and a great reminder that no matter what is happening in my life, life will continue, that there are so many wonderful things happening around me, and that God hasn't forgotten me.

And, since the shining sun has proven yet again that life goes on, I am ready to pick myself up, dust myself off and attack the challenges that face me. The thing is, in life, we can't always change what issues we need to deal with. We don't have a choice in a lot of the obstacles thrown at us. That can be a very hard reality to face, because we all want to be the ones controlling where our lives will go. What we do get to decide, though, is how we carry ourselves and how we approach the tough times.

I wish I could say I am always as positive as I strive to be...as I encourage others to be...but I'm not. Sometimes I need somebody telling ME it will all be okay. Sometimes I want to be the one to fall apart. It is alright to have the moments, as long as we don't let ourselves get lost in that self pity. It is very easy to drown in our own tears, and that is why you have to hold your head up high.

Today, I choose to not let my problems dictate the kind of day I will have. Today, I choose to not let my worries change the kind of mom I am to my awesome kids. Today, I choose to be my own sunshine.

Here is a quote to keep you looking up!

"May you never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you're looking down." Author Unknown

A Knock at the Door

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I guess a lot of people might be expecting a "what I am thankful for" sort of post. I hate to disappoint, but that isn't exactly where I foresee this going. Not that I am not thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am extremely grateful, but that is something I celebrate every day...not just in November.

I wish life was full of only good things, good times and good people. The reality is the world is full of a lot of crappy stuff too. Sometimes it seems like the crap is more powerful than those blessings, and that is when we really need to reflect on what we are thankful for in our lives. It can be so easy to lose sight of the good when the bad is banging down the door.

Right now, there are some pretty loud knocks in my entrance way, and I'm working very hard to keep that negativity out. It isn't always as simple as dead bolting the lock, though. Sometimes we need everybody we love to come and stand against that door. Sometimes it takes everybody we have in our corner working together to stop the bad stuff from over running our lives.

I don't really have a whole lot more to add right now. Sometime having TOO much on your mind and heart makes it hard to say anything at all. Just never lose sight of the people who are in your corner, never lose sight of who will stand against that door with you. In the end, it is only the people in our lives who truly matter.

That Which Make Us Who We Are

Per my friend Melissa's request I was preparing to write my little positive blog for the day. After finding my 2-year-old painting the bathroom with green nail polish I thought for sure I would write about the challenges of parenthood. I went down to my office to find my Mr. Roger's book for the quote I knew would fit, when I came across my journal from my sophomore year in college (which needs to be thrown into a bonfire VERY soon).

Wow. I think that about sums it all up. I can't believe how grown up I thought I was at the time, and reading it now I can see how much growing I had yet to do. Let me just thank and apologize to everybody who put up with me back then. Seriously. Just reading all the boys' names I was crushing on at one time is enough to make a person's head spin.

Twelve years have come and gone since my last entry in that journal and Hans and Paul and Jake are the names from the past. It is Mom, Dad, Karen, Rachel, Josh, Noah, Micah and Erin...the friends and family in that journal that are still beside me in my life that make it hard to throw that book away. Most of my journal entries from that time about my family involve me being mad or fights that we had. It isn't that they are happy, shiny memories. In fact, a lot of my entries about my best friend Erin at that time are during a rough patch in our friendship.

It is a great reminder that relationships don't have to be perfect to be perfect for us. This is true of all relationships in our lives. I love my husband and think we have a great marriage, but I'll be the first to admit our relationship is not without its tough times. We get mad...we fight...but we always find a way to work through it. I love my children unconditionally and whole heartedly, but even those relationships have room to grow and improve. Gosh, even my relationship with myself has a long way to go, and I've been working on that for 31 years!!!!

Looking back now, I know all those fights with my parents and siblings and best friend were just blocks leading us down the road to the relationships we have now. I talk to my parents every day, I talk to at least one of my siblings every day and Erin and I are as close now as we ever were. I am so grateful that I had the chance to day to look back at those relationships as they were then, because it make me even more grateful for the amazing people in my life today.

I also found the book I wrote quotes that I like in, so it is only appropriate that the perfect one is right there on the first page.

"We like someone because. We love someone although." Henry DeMontherlant

Puppies and Rainbows

I'm having a less than stellar day and really feel like whining, complaining and asking for pity as I bask in my misery. However, that would be the complete opposite of the mission behind my blog, so I'm sitting here hoping the screen and keyboard will inspire some puppies and rainbows from me. Waiting...waiting...

Okay, so it isn't magically happening for me. Maybe I need to try another approach to getting out of my slump. Maybe I need to find my own happiness on days that it isn't so easy. When I'm hungry I fix a grilled cheese and make myself not hungry. When I am sick I take medicine and make myself feel better. So why should feeling down be any different. I'm not magically full or magically cured, so why would I be magically happy?

I've battled depression for years. This is a concept my husband just doesn't get. He can't see the difference between being depressed and being unhappy. He always asks what I have to be so unhappy about. The reality is I am very happy in my life, very satisfied. I have four beautiful children, and a husband who I may not always see eye to eye with, but who I love very much and loves me in return.

I guess happiness is sort of like hunger. Just because you have food in the kitchen doesn't mean you don't get hungry. Just having it isn't enough. It is all what you do with it. First, you need to know you are hungry, figure out what you want, and then eat. Sometimes eating once isn't enough and you have to go back for more.

Just because there are great people and things in your life doesn't mean your life is all happiness all the time. It is what we do with our lives, it is how we treat the great people in it, and how aware we are of what we need...what we REALLY need to be happy. If we skip a meal, despite the food being right there in the fridge, we might get grumpy and pretty darn hungry. Likewise, if we don't take the time to enjoy the things in our lives that bring us that inner peace and joy, our souls will hunger for some happiness.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess what I've gotten out of this rambling is that being happy with your life and where you are in your life doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. (Does that even make sense?) Let me try that again...Even the happiest person can have blah days...those days where Ben and Jerry and a spoon are the only companions you feel like.

Hmmm...still no magical puppies and rainbows. Guess I'll have to resort to my standby!

Judgement Day

I've slowly been reading the book, The Shack. It is a great book, but I like it in small doses because I need time to stop and reflect on what I've read. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the premise is a man named Mack gets to spend a weekend in a cabin with God in an effort to come to terms with a terrible loss in his life. The chapter I read today was about the judgement we pass on ourselves, others and even on God.

This really got me thinking about myself and the judgements I make and how I justify doing this. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around throwing rocks at people I don't feel are up to my standards. I know I am guilty of throwing the proverbial first stone before, though. A mom who seems neglectful, a wife having an affair, a husband who is controlling...why do I feel it is my place to judge these people. It makes me wonder what judgements people make about me?

I was at the tailor today to have alterations done on my daughter's dress. The tailor asked how many kids I have and I told him four, to which he replied, "You're too young to have that many kids." It wasn't meant as a compliment, or at least that isn't the way it seemed to me. To me it felt like a judgement. In his defense, I do look younger than I am. (If you disagree with my last statement, keep it to yourself!!!)

On Saturday I had a flat tire and was late for a soccer game. I had all four kids in the van and my husband was out of town. When my daughter asked me for the umpteenth time how I was going to fix it, I snapped and yelled at her to sit down and don't talk till I tell her she could. No, I'm not proud of it and I apologized. At the same time I was yelling, my neighbor's friend was getting out of his car and looked at me like I had just beat my little one. He doesn't know me, and how easy it is to pass judgement based on that one impression. To him I probably looked like a clueless mom who doesn't appreciate the blessing my kids are. In reality, I like to believe I am a pretty good mom, and most of the time pretty patient. (Once again folks, if you disagree...well, you know the drill.)

I'm not perfect, and know that while it is easy to sit at a keyboard and say I am cured from one chapter in one book and I'm never going to judge anyone again, I know that isn't the reality. I just hope to be more aware of unfair judgement I may pass on others, and be forgiving of those who seem to judge me.

Here is a great quote I found that really got me thinking!!!


"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

Masks

Halloween just came and went, leaving a massive amount of candy calling to me from the kitchen cabinet. I love looking at all of the cute costumes, all the creative ones, and even the scary ones. It is fun that one day a year we can dress up and be somebody different than who we have to be in our every day lives.

The Obama, and Nixon and Scream masks aren't the only type of masks I've been seeing lately, though. More and more I'm realizing just how many people around me where one type of mask or another to hide who they are, how they are feeling, or what their real motivations are.

There are the nasty masks...the people who pose as your friends...the people who embed themselves in your life only to betray and disappoint you. How sad for these people that they are so inadequate in who they really are that they live their lives as a charade. Unfortunately for them, the little game of charades doesn't last forever, and eventually their true colors show through. For people hurt by this type (as I have been in my life) try to hold your head high and know that the hurt WILL go away. The people in your life who are true, who always care, aren't going anywhere. These miserable people will someday answer for their actions...maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow...maybe not until we have moved way on in our lives and they are no longer part of it, but that day will come.

Then there are the masks we wear to protect ourselves. Acting tough, reacting with anger, not letting ourselves cry. I think for those who wear this one, it is important to know you don't have to. There are people in your life with a shoulder waiting for you to cry on. Vent, yell, get mad, get real. Because the real people in your life love you for exactly who you are, for the real you.

I think it can be hard in life to be ourselves and let our guard down. That is why it is so important to recognize the people in your life who show themselves, their TRUE selves, and stand by you no matter what. I have been very blessed by having these people in my lives, in my husband, my parents, my siblings and a couple of really great friends. They are sort of like that person that walks in front of you at a haunted house. The one whose back you dig your face into when Freddy Kruger, or Jason, or Michael Meyers jumps out from around the corner. Truth be told, those aren't the scariest masks in life, and thank God we have people to walk us through the house of horrors life can sometimes be.