No One Else Can Play Your Part

It is morning. The sun is just beginning to light the world around my modest, three bedroom split entry in the southern suburbs of Pittsburgh. From downstairs, in what was once our game room before being converted into bedroom number four, an alarm clock sounds. I am not in bed to hear it blare. I am not there to hit snooze. I am not there to welcome the day.

In my absence, my oldest child, only 11-years-old, gets herself ready for school before packing lunches for her four younger siblings. My husband rushes to get all the kids dressed so he can be out the door on time to drop the kids at a sitter before heading to work. It is a chaotic scene. There isn’t time for a lot of hugs, kisses or cuddles, not even for the 8-month-old, as they try to adjust to life without mom.

They survive without me, but they do not thrive yet. There are so many questions and hurt feelings. There is more anger than they know how to express.

In reality, this is not what my household looks like. Begrudgingly, I hear the alarm clock at 6:30 waking me to get the kids ready for the school bus. I am a lot of things, but a morning person is not one of them. I am still here because I know nobody else can play my part. I am still here because I know my story, past and future, matters… my life matters…I matter.

I do not wear my diagnosis of depression with pride. However, I am proud of how I have chosen to grow as a person because of my depression. In four days, it will mark the 19 year anniversary of when I tried to end my life. I don’t share my story because I want pity. I share it because maybe it will help somebody else not choose that path I chose. I share it because I think it is time that we as a society are not afraid to start a conversation on mental illness.

When tragedy hits, like the recent suicide of Robin Williams or a mass killing, there is a brief increase in outcry for a new outlook on mental illness. Facebook posts go up. Articles are retweeted. Inevitably, though, the conversation stops until the next headline bringing it to the forefront. In between those headlines, how many people take their own life because of their struggles.

What if we kept the conversation going in between? Imagine letting people know it is ok to be anxious, depressed, bipolar, or whatever the case may be, and that there is help.

At the doctor for an annual check up, you have your weight checked, your cholesterol…maybe you turn your head and cough. How great would it be if after you put your clothes back on, a few minutes were spent asking how you feel. Obviously there are doctors and therapists for this, but not everybody even knows where to begin. Some people don’t even realize they need to talk to somebody.

Things won’t change from my voice alone. I hope more people will start a conversation about what they have experienced, or what they are going through now. People need to be fast to ask for and offer advice.

If I can ever help any of you find resources or see that your life matters, please let me know. You matter more than you can imagine. No matter how alone you may feel, please know you are not. I am right here for you!

Resources: http://twloha.com/ http://www.thesemicolonproject.com/