Slow Down, Emotional Speed Bump Ahead

Right now the boys are rough-housing in the other bedroom and their yelling is making me feel like a crazy person. I seriously just snapped at my 11-year-old for putting vanilla lotion on her hands because vanilla lotion gives me a headache. Of course she doesn't know this, but that didn't stop me from banishing her from the same room as me.

If the neighbor's dog doesn't quit barking, I can't guarantee it's well-being.

I haven't showered. I live in oversized sweats. Shit! I think I forgot to brush my teeth today.

Everything overwhelms me. The house is a mess, because the thought of cleaning it exhausts me. I have anxiety because the house is a mess. I feel bad about myself because the house is a mess. I'm afraid my husband will be disappointed in me when he gets home because the house is a freaking mess.

My mood has been like this for at least a week, and yet it was just this morning that a little voice inside my head whispered, "Sara, you aren't going crazy. You are just depressed." (Hmmmm, if there are voices whispering to me, maybe I have gone crazy!!)

All joking aside, I was finally able to put the pieces together and realize what is going on. It started with one little text message to a friend.

She asked if I had blogged recently and I replied "No. I haven't had motivation to do anything lately."

I reread the message today and realized I am not lazy, I am not a mega-crab, I am not the mommy monster - I am simply experiencing postpartum depression. I know a lot of people who don't suffer from depression don't understand. My husband always says, "What are you unhappy about." The answer is nothing. I'm extremely happy. I cannot believe how blessed I am. I have an incredible husband, five beautiful children, a family who loves me and some of the world's greatest friends.

Depression isn't a choice. It isn't something you just "get over." This isn't my first bout with postpartum depression, so I knew what I had to do. I called my doctor and asked for a prescription until I am over this emotional speed bump. That is all it is, a speed bump. It might slow me down for a bit, but it certainly won't stop me.

I have to admit, I feel so relieved and so free having realized today what was going on with me. I feel more hopeful and less guilty about all the ways I've failed lately. I know that I will feel better, I will be better and my life will be better.

To all of you out there who feel this way, who have been there, or are there...whatever the case may be, don't be afraid to talk about it. Don't be afraid to share it. We can all help each other through the hard times, as long as we let people know we need help.