Singing the First Day of School Sad Mama Blues

Anybody who has ever had a phone conversation with me when my kids are home know I can't go more than 10 minutes without having to interrupt the chat to correct Beckett, or redirect Beckett or yell at Beckett to close that "damn fridge" for the umpteenth time that day.

See, all of my kids can be challenging at times, but Beckett is by far my most challenging. Some of it I chalk up to plain old 6-year-old antics, but thrown on top of that is Beckett's need for constant sensory stimulation. (That is a whole other post for another day.) In all seriousness, there are many days where Beckett's Tasmanian Devil-like-tendencies drive me to tears.

Sometimes at night after I've tucked him in, I sit on the couch and cry. I wish he could understand how much I love him, how my heart hurts if I just sit and focus on my complete and overwhelming love for him. There is nothing I hate more than to fight with my little monsters who are my everything.

Given the level of Beckett-induced exhaustion I face on a regular basis, I thought I would be ecstatic when his first day of kindergarten came. I would be able to have a complete conversation without screaming. I could eat a meal without being begged to share. I could clean the bedrooms without him taking advantage of my back being turned and climbing on the kitchen counter for food.

And yet...

Yesterday, Monday, marked our last day together before school started. His brother and sisters went back Monday, which gave us the day together. We went and got his hair cut, ran to a couple of stores and enjoyed lunch out. Every time I thought of him getting on the bus, I had to hold back tears.

For the last six years, my little Bean has been mine. Sure he had teachers and therapists and coaches, but that was just a couple of hours a few times a week. When I think about him starting kindergarten, I can't help but think of all the other people (mostly women) I will now share him with. He will look forward to getting off the bus and be greeting by a smiling face that is not mine. Somebody else will dry any tears. Somebody else will calm his fears. Somebody else will give him a hug if he needs it. Every once in a while, he will slip up and call his teacher mom.

I am extremely grateful for the incredible teachers that work at our school. I am forever indebted to them for putting their own kids in daycare to come to work and take care of mine. I am still jealous, though, that I will now have to share my baby boy with them.

He didn't cry when he got on the bus this morning. Miraculously I did not cry, either. He woke up this morning all smiles and excitement, and it was quite contagious. I know he will do well in school and I am happy for him. I just wish time could slow down and my babies could stay just mine a little longer.