That Punched in the Gut Feeling

Some of you may know that my youngest child (well, youngest for the next 10 weeks or so) has some developmental delays and challenges. Beckett (aka Bean) has verbal apraxia, a speech disorder that makes it difficult for Beckett to communicate what it is he wants to say. He also has developmental dispraxia, which effects Beckett's ability to carry out sensory and motor tasks. Finally he has sensory processing disorder. This effects the way Beckett processes sensory input. He is sensory seeking and under-sensitive, meaning he seeks out sensory input and needs big, dramatic touches to get the right kind of feedback.

With the help of an amazing team of therapists over the last three-plus years, Beckett has made amazing progress, but he still has a lot of challenges. There are days I can tell within the first 5 minutes of him waking up it is going to be what we call "a high sensory day" for our Bean.

He used to run full force into walls and furniture. Luckily high sensory days don't involve that anymore. These days they involve a lot of him sneaking food, hitting his siblings and not being able to sit still. It is always a challenge for my husband and I because we need to reinforce proper behavior even though we understand why he is acting this way.

Bear with me...there is a reason for all of that background story!

This morning I was taking Beckett to therapy and he was rattling off the laundry list of jobs he wants when he grows up.

A police man, a doctor, a fire station guy and a bus driver.

I told him that his Great Aunt Mickey used to be a school bus driver. When he asked why she wasn't anymore I reminded him that she passed away last January. This was the conversation.

"Oh yeah. Did she have cancel?"

"You mean cancer. Yes honey, she had cancer. She is in Heaven now with God."

"Does she still have cancel in Heaven?"

"No, baby. When we are in Heaven with God all of the bad stuff goes away and we aren't sick anymore."

"I wish I were dead."

Well you can imagine how I reacted to my beautiful baby saying this. What he said next, though, broke my heart and amazed me at the same time.

"Well sometimes I don't want to fight with you and I tell my brain that, but my brain doesn't listen and do what I want. I don't like that."

At just five-years-old, my little guy knows that something isn't quite "normal" in how his brain works. Not just that, but it already bothers him enough that he knows he doesn't like it and wants it to be fixed.

This is a huge wake-up call to me that I need to find more ways to reinforce to him everything about him that is good. I also told him we will do a fun activity to come up with ideas of things to do when he can tell his brain isn't listening.

As sad as his statement made me, I am so so grateful for this little peak into his thoughts so I can try to be a better mom to him. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the craziness of life that I forget to consider how the things that stress me out and upset me could be having the same effect on my babies.

If you are somebody who believes in prayer, I ask you to offer a little prayer up for me today to help me grow and learn to show my son what a truly amazing gift he is to me and to the world.